I’m in my mid-20’s, and haven’t been on a proper date yet (I’ve taken girls out, but later realised that they weren’t seeing it the same way I did), let alone had a girlfriend. I have many girl friends though. Many times I wonder if there’s something I do wrong, and I’ve tried different things (“playing the game” and all that other bs), but it’s just not me & in the end I’ve just decided to go with being myself. Problem is, I keep getting friend zoned by girls that I like. That kind of comes with my demeanour - I’m a friendly (though quite shy - says he as he writes this post) type of guy. I’m not big on nightclubs, and am not fantastic at meeting women (people in general actually) at bars etc. but I do try through other means. But I’d like things to change, hence this post. So, any tips on how to stop/avoid getting “friend zoned” (I’m not sure if there’d be anything Taiwan specific relating to that), and also any tips of how to meet people who may be looking for a relationship here in Taiwan?
After reading your post I have two thoughts (and probably not very helpful ones, I’m afraid).
Firstly, a question: Are you sure you’re not chasing girls way out of your league?
Secondly, it sounds like you can’t tell when a girl is not interested in you. In this case, just assume all girls are not interested, unless they start doing something obvious like sucking on your piña colada. So, maybe you can get one of your many girl friends to act as a kind of interpreter. :neutral:
I’m going to ask a very rude and very direct question: Are you desperate?
I was single for a full year when I got here (NOT the good kind of single, mind you), and it drove me crazy until I realized it was because I was too desperate to find a relationship. When I finally cooled down a bit and looked back at the girls I’d been interested in, I found that pretty much none of them would have been a good match anyway. I stopped trying to meet new people and realized that a friend I had made when I first got to Taiwan and I would work well together. (Fast-forward to talking to plans for the future, etc.) So, hmm… Maybe the problem is you really haven’t met anyone who is right for you, or if you have, you haven’t realized it yet.
Oh, btw, one problem I had was I was constantly looking for a girl who would not see me as a foreign person but as just a person, no pluses or minuses for being from another country. I felt like a lot of girls would say no because the long-term prospects for a foreigner seem iffy, and a lot of girls would maybe be interested just because it’s cool and exciting. I just wanted to be me.
[quote=“antarcticbeech”]After reading your post I have two thoughts (and probably not very helpful ones, I’m afraid).
Firstly, a question: Are you sure you’re not chasing girls way out of your league?
Secondly, it sounds like you can’t tell when a girl is not interested in you. In this case, just assume all girls are not interested, unless they start doing something obvious like sucking on your piña colada. So, maybe you can get one of your many girl friends to act as a kind of interpreter. :neutral:[/quote]
Both valid points mate. I would answer, not really, to the first one. A couple may be borderline, but I still give it a shot. It’s all about perception I guess.
To your second point, definite yes. I am constantly mistaking them just being friendly as interest (and sometimes vice versa because I miss the “signs” apparently). It’s kind of like I view the cup as half-empty, and just think they’re being friendly when perhaps they are actually interested too. Definitely need an interpreter lol.
It’s not as bad as it once was, kind of learning to enjoy my own company more, and also trying to keep myself more occupied. I would say that I go into 99% situations just looking to get to know someone, rather than trying to pick up (again not my thing/forte). You often hear people say “it will happen when it happens, don’t force it, etc.” which I really hope is true, though there are times when I feel like I’ve been waiting a bloody long time for it to “just happen”.
I’m in my mid-20’s, and haven’t been on a proper date yet (I’ve taken girls out, but later realised that they weren’t seeing it the same way I did), let alone had a girlfriend. I have many girl friends though. Many times I wonder if there’s something I do wrong, and I’ve tried different things (“playing the game” and all that other bs), but it’s just not me & in the end I’ve just decided to go with being myself. Problem is, I keep getting friend zoned by girls that I like. That kind of comes with my demeanour - I’m a friendly (though quite shy - says he as he writes this post) type of guy. I’m not big on nightclubs, and am not fantastic at meeting women (people in general actually) at bars etc. but I do try through other means. But I’d like things to change, hence this post. So, any tips on how to stop/avoid getting “friend zoned” (I’m not sure if there’d be anything Taiwan specific relating to that), and also any tips of how to meet people who may be looking for a relationship here in Taiwan?
Cheers,
Fish.[/quote]
1-Double check if you aren’t into dudes first.
2-be direct with your intentions earlier than you normally feel comfortable doing. Girls here get really annoyed with men who dilly dally and dither and it reflects poorly upon your ability to be an earner and provider who will make them feel safe (which is what girls here want).
Its a male dominated society, most men treat women like shit (till they have a kid and the women flip the script), so you being all nice and chummy makes you look soft, and they will stop digging you and all local girls have a little ‘fag hag’ in em, so if you keep ending up in the friend zone you are coming across fruity (you need to flip the script so you can start cumming across them…or their cute brother ).
DD has a point, but don’t take the manly man thing to an extreme if that’s not you. It will just set both of you up for disappointment and failure down the line. The most important thing is not to find a girl because she’s there and you’re lonely, but to find a girl who works with you and makes your life better. (I’m not bragging but) I knew mine was right for me because she’s inspired me to work toward constantly improving myself, which is not something that can come from just any relationship.
By the way, I don’t want to scare you, but Taiwanese girls by and large think of relationships as a long-term thing. It doesn’t have to end in marriage, but it can’t end next month. A good way to win over a girl’s heart is to indicate (subtly! but sincerely!) that you are good at commitment but not controlling. It’s a balancing act but when you find a girl who really fires you up, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. People say there are many fish in the sea – and it’s true – but not all of them are the right kind of fish. But that also doesn’t mean that there’s only one person out there for you. Keep meeting people, and try to meet as many different kinds of people as you can.
I strongly agree with Hokwongwei that not being desperate is crucial if you want to find someone good. And when Deuce Dropper says you can’t be wishy-washy (“fruity” works too ), he’s right on.
I would also add that you need to have a reliable way to meet people, particularly if you’re shy. Go take a yoga class, or a dance class, or join a gym, or find something else you’re into and do it socially. If you’re a student, join a club. If you’re Christian, find a church–at most of the ones I’ve seen, women outnumber men, and some of them are quite attractive too (although they might not think God wants them to sleep with you). And broaden your group of friends, particularly guy friends. The more you get out and the more people you know, the more girls you’ll meet.
A lot of them, if they find themselves alone with you would expect a bit of touching, hugging. And if you keep your distance, they will start to keep theirs. You have to get up close and personal. FAirly quickly. Especially if shes indicated with her body language that shes interested. I mean if you get near her and she backs away. Thats not a sign shes thinking you are more then just a friend.
But if you try her on, and she doesnt shirk back. Then you can stay close to her. Dont kiss her right off the bat though. Some TW girls equate kissing to just about being married. They would rather you had your hand on their breast then be kissed, in terms of seriousness of relationship.
OF course your mileage may vary girl to girl so be careful. Tread carefully.
Basically show some “manly” interest in her straight away. So she gets the “right” ideas.
OR she gets the idea and keeps her distance, then you know you are in the friend zone (at least for n0w). As things CAN change. If she keeps hanging out with you for example.
You need to touch them, on their shoulders. Put a hand on her knee (at an appropriate time of course) .
I don’t know Tommy, sounds to me like he’s more interested in long-term than a physical relationship. Your advice is good, but I don’t think he’s even at that stage yet. Gotta get a girlfriend first, then you learn to get close.
Seriously though, shyness is counterweight in this…
You mentioned “playing the game”, there’s no game to be played, this is a social environment where you have to find balance with your introversion, and being enjoyable company. Just be confident, ask them to go out for some coffee, 小吃’s (these girls know how to eat, if you don’t find a good one they will at least show you the best eating spots period!), nightmarkets, even arcades, and don’t think about it afterwards, when you least expect it, one will be inviting you back, just enjoy yourself, and learn.
You have to make a girl interested. Unless you are super ripped and/or hot, you gotto convince them to want to see your wiener. Its not simply a state of being naturally interested or not, you gotto be asertive and sell yourself.
They ar not like us men, we are automatically interested if it breathes.
well… physical relationships often lead to long term relationships as well.
I think , learn to get close, then you will have a girlfriend. Instead of just a friend. ONe has to read if shes interested as well. But one has to put the feelers out there.
One has to make ones intentions known or at least ones interest. Shes not blind. Shes going to be smart enough to pick up on the cues.
Dont be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Be a Wolf in Wolfs clothing !
[quote=“Confuzius”]You have to make a girl interested. Unless you are super ripped and/or hot, you gotto convince them to want to see your wiener. Its not simply a state of being naturally interested or not, you gotto be asertive and sell yourself.
They ar not like us men, we are automatically interested if it breathes.[/quote]
Many of them are just attracted by your money. Not your weiner and not your six pack abs.
Let me be clear: “friend zone” and “clingy” are more often than not words used by the disinterested party in any given relationship. The interested party is unlikely to mind the frequency or forward intentions of the other interested party. From what it sounds like, the women just weren’t interested in you. But that’s not to say no women will ever be. Keep calm and carry on.
Cheers for the pointers, insights & even the sarcastic comments (good to have a laugh) everyone. From what most of you are saying it really all isn’t as difficult as perhaps my mind has built it up to be. Seems like a common thread is confidence, and clarity of intentions/feelings.
Cheers for the insights Hokwongwei.
All useful ideas. At the moment I’m trying the language exchange route, as a way to meet more people & hopefully expand my network through that means. Groups sounds like a really good, non-confrontational, idea too however I’m not sure how big a factor the language barrier may be in all that (actually even in a relationship).
[quote=“tommy525”]
I think , learn to get close, then you will have a girlfriend. Instead of just a friend. ONe has to read if shes interested as well. But one has to put the feelers out there.
One has to make ones intentions known or at least ones interest. Shes not blind. Shes going to be smart enough to pick up on the cues.
Dont be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Be a Wolf in Wolfs clothing ![/quote]
This makes sense. I’ve learn that girls are actually quite astute when it comes to working out if a guy is interested in them, but I understand that being more clear about it (through actions) early on in the piece would probably result in both being clear on where the other stood in terms of friendship v. relationship etc.
).
), he’s right on.
