A discussion came up a few days ago regarding legally married but separated wo/men and whether they are off limits. Now, we are talking about about wo/men who are unhappy in their current marriage, and are not living with their husband/wife.
I am of the opinion that if you are legally married, you are off limits. Separated, marriage of convenience, loveless marriage, etc, I don’t care. If you did not sign the divorce paper, I will not be with you. If you love me, you will sign that divorce paper and face the music.
What is everyone’s thought on this? Am I too “old-fashioned” and need to “get with the times?”
I suppose it would depend on the situation. Sometimes they can’t get a divorce because of various factors like the spouse refusing, money, religious grounds ect. I know a lot of people stayed in unhappy marriages previously for the sake of the children or to keep up appearences. There is always the money issue as well. Getting divorced costs a lot of money especially if it is a contested divorce.
I don’t think it is old fashioned to not want to be the “other person” no matter what the circumstances. It is unfortunate that we live in an age where divorce is so rampant but that is also a sign of the times I suppose.
Personally I would not feel comfortable being with someone who is still legally bound to someone else and I’m only in my twenties so I guess the times moved on without me. When did that happen? I turned into my parents.
[quote=“914”]
I am of the opinion that if you are legally married, you are off limits. Separated, marriage of convenience, loveless marriage, etc, I don’t care. If you did not sign the divorce paper, I will not be with you. If you love me, you will sign that divorce that paper and face the music.[/quote]
Uhh, I would agree also. How convient for the party who is 'in a loveless marriage ’ to dilly dally until things turn around for the better.I wouldn’t touch a relationship with a married man, even if he’s seperated, he still has ties with that woman, and he’s always going to be dealing with her in some form/fashion… (Up on my soapbox) This is what I think is wrong with the world today. Everyone ready to jump ship on their word, comment to things, placing themselves before the high purpose. If it aint working out, then get a divorce. Simple as that. Funny how people are so forthcomming about cutting their losses with tangable things but when it comes to being real with people, the f#$k around creating more drama for everyone involved. I guess the world is really one big stage…
But 914, my wife just doesn’t understand me!
Seriously? Call me old-fashioned (because that’s what I am, in many ways) but I agree with you.
If you truly love someone, you’ll find SOME way of freeing yourself from a bad marriage.
There again, maybe they’re right. Maybe we should “get with the times.”
Yep, he can get a divorce but if he has children, he will always have ties with his ex. And what’s so bad about dealing with your ex (in some (innocent) form) anyway? I’d say it’s pretty normal even if you don’t have children.
Have fun with married people, but don’t get caught, especially here. And don’t fall in love with them and don’t believe any of their BS about their spouse not understanding them, they’ll leave their spouse soon, blah, blah, blah. Do hit them up for as many free drinks and dinners as you can.
What if a married couple is separated and have agreed that it is ok for each to date other people during the separation? If you are looking for commitment, then surely you would not want to date these people. However, if you are just looking for some casual fun, nothing too serious, I can’t see a problem with dating a married person in this situation. Of course, you would have to accept the fact that your married date could go back to his or her spouse at anytime. As long as it is all consentual and out in the open, I don’t see a problem.
I totally agree. If they really love you, they would already signed the papers. Don’t wait and keep on talking about how difficult it is and with the kids and so on and so forth. Serioulsy, if your marriage is falling apart, your children will know that, in which case they are not better off even if you stayed in the marriage. Excuses excuses, there will be no end to excuses if you just keep complaining and not do anything about it!
I think that no matter what you decide when you head is level and you’re not in a relationship can all go out the window as soon as you are head over heels. Love, or the perception of it, makes people do all sorts of things, including go against their own personal beliefs.
[quote=“jdsmith”]A wise man once told me “Marriage is a committment to not hurt the other person.”
If s/he’s married. Let her/him get divorced first.
Then you know he/she is not full of shit.[/quote]
I completely agree with this. I would wonder why the person would not get a divorce? It seems too easy for them to simply go back to their “ex”. Sounds like a big crap shoot to me.
[color=black]Doesn’t sound very “old fashioned” to me[/color]
One thing I find interesting about this thread is that even among those people who have taken the “old-fashioned”/“moral highground” position (“Yes, married means off limits”) there still seems to be an implicit acceptance of of the idea that, yes, you can get romantically involved with a married person – you just shouldn’t stay with them unless they get a divorce.
Perhaps I’m reading these posts wrong. [color=green]914[/color], [color=darkred]sandman[/color]: when you say [color=green]“If you love me, you will sign that divorce paper and face the music”[/color] and [color=darkred]“If you truly love someone, you’ll find SOME way of freeing yourself from a bad marriage”[/color] are you just saying that you shouldn’t have sex with someone until they get divorced? Is even sex okay as long as you put a time limit on the affair (“Get a divorce within 6 months or I’m outta here”)?
Neither of these sounds like a very “old-fashioned” position, and neither of them sounds like “off limits” truly means OFF limits.
Perhaps if the married person falls in love with you “at first sight”, or if you are a platonic friend of the married person… But this seems like an unlikely interpretation of what you were saying, since it would not apply to the vast majority of cases (i.e. few married people are likely to contemplate leaving their spouse in order to get together with someone they have no reason to believe loves them in return.) Absent these rare circumstances, what it sounds like both of you are saying is [color=blue]“No, married people are not off limits. But I’m only willing to go so far until the married man/woman agrees to get a divorce.”[/color]
“If you love me, you will have to accept that I am married and that there are several reasons, why I can’t get divorced (at least not now and perhaps never)” …e.g. kids, money, family, ARC blahblahblah
“If you truly love me, you’ll find SOME way of freeing yourself from that old-fashioned concept that you can’t have a (stable) relationship with a married wo/man”
Iirc, in Germany, it can take about 2 years and longer from the moment where you file for divorce to the moment where the divorce is actually valid. It’s not like “ok, I’ll sign the papers, and we’re done within a couple of weeks”.
Years ago I might have disagreed with all the “old-fashioned” posters and said that if he/she’s definitely separated, the estranged spouse is definitely crazy or abusive and they definitely will not be getting back together, then in that case it might be ok to screw around. But I had a situation that caused me to rethink that.
A woman I knew was no longer living with her husband. He was a total jerk who obviously didn’t care about her, was abusive, inattentive, they had gone through counseling, she had given him plenty of chances and he failed repeatedly. She told stories about him to “the girls” and they would shake their heads in amazement at his terrible antics. It seemed obvious their marriage was completely over except for the final paperwork, so I didn’t feel it was so wrong getting involved with her. Besides, in the lousy situation she was in, she needed someone to share good times together and forget about the past. I was happy to oblige her: we went out for meals together, spent a few nights together, took ski trips together, etc.
I was correct that their marriage was over. She had no intention of reuniting with him and eventually they did divorce. But what I didn’t realize was that, despite his neandrethal behavior, he somehow stupidly believed there was still some hope. I found that out one day when we walked out of my house and he was there in the street, furious, red in the face, pissed off that I was screwing his wife, and wanting to fight. I felt terrible. I honestly did not expect such a reaction. I had no idea he was following us and I honestly did not believe he still cared about her. But I was wrong. Somehow I was able to avoid a fight and I then backed out of that relationship as gracefully as I could.
Things aren’t always what they appear to be and the story one partner tells may not be how the other partner sees it. It’s probably best to avoid getting involved with a married person.
I would wonder why the person would not get a divorce? It seems too easy for them to simply go back to their “ex”. Sounds like a big crap shoot to me.