We had a long distance relationship but we just broke up a week ago because I found out that he cheated on me…well…he has been cheating.This is so killing me!!He loved me and its the last thing that I’ve ever thought he would do to me. I kept finding him excuses for this cheating thing such as he got too lonely because we live in different cities…he didnt trust me so he cheated…etc. Do people love someone and cheat on someone at the same time?
And, do you think that I should try to find out who ‘she’ is and tell her about this?
I dont know how to face this… its just so hard. It hurts so much. HELP!!
dear swei,
nothing hurts more than betrayal of this kind. time will help. get over him. its easy to rationalize his behavior if you love him. that is just your self trying to protect you from the hurt. dont make excuses for him, just end it and move on, as hard as that may be.
in my opinion, he did not truly love you. if he did, he would not have cheated. if he cheated he is selfish. he is still looking for something. maybe he will never find what he wants. he may cheat on everyone he meets.
you dont have to put up with that crap. find someone who does really love you. if someone really is in love, then they would never cheat. i dont care how far apart you live or how lonely you get, if you love someone cheating should not even enter the picture in any way. he should be ashamed of himself. you should move on.
good luck. time is your best friend right now. it will hurt less each day. dont let him ruin the chances for you to find true love. not every man cheats.
dont even bother telling the other girl. what will that do for you? nothing.
john
I find the whole concept of absolute exclusivity in relationships so absurd.
Why do we have to exercise sole possession of another person’s body just because we have formed an intimate relationship or have developed strong bonds of attachment to each other?
How can it be a bad thing if one or other of us gets additional jollies elsewhere from an occasional bonk or two? Many of us wouldn’t mind at all if our partners did so, and wish they wouldn’t mind if we did. But they would mind, and we don’t want to hurt or “betray” them, so we’re forced to endure an unending sentence of sexual servitude and deny ourselves one of the most fundamental pleasures in life.
The bond between mother and child is surely the closest bond of all, much deeper than that between lovers or husband and wife. It’s not a problem for two or more children to share a mother: their love for each other is not diminished just because it is not exclusive. Why should the relationship between a couple be any different?
This ridiculous exaction of “fidelity” must surely be one of the most absurd conventions of the benighted societies in which it prevails!
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Are we talking bonking or shared love. There may be a big difference between a quick shag and sharing emotional bonds between different partners. Some may see one as exercise and the other as betrayal.
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Has your attitude changed during your time here? It is a long time since you lived in a society less tolerant of cheating.
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Are we talking bonking or shared love. There may be a big difference between a quick shag and sharing emotional bonds between different partners. Some may see one as exercise and the other as betrayal.
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Has your attitude changed during your time here? It is a long time since you lived in a society less tolerant of cheating.[/quote]
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I don’t see why one cannot love more than one partner at the same time. Most of us have loved different people one after another, so why not different people at the same time? You may love one more intensely than another, but that’s no reason to exclude all others. All love is good, and we’re surely capable of generating plenty enough to share among more than one recipient.
There are infinite gradations of bonking and bonding, with a large fuzzy area when it’s hard to say which side of the line you’re on. But however you classify what you’re doing, it’s got to be good if it makes you both happy and doesn’t have any deleterious consequences.
- I believe my views on this have been essentially consistent ever since I became old enough to think for myself rather than blindly accepting the dictates of social convention, and especially once I got past the stage of becoming blindly infatuated with girls for whom I felt stirrings of desire. The fact that I become more convinced about this as time goes by probably has very little to do with where I happen to be living.
[quote=“Omniloquacious”]
- I don’t see why one cannot love more than one partner at the same time. Most of us have loved different people one after another, so why not different people at the same time? You may love one more intensely than another, but that’s no reason to exclude all others. All love is good, and we’re surely capable of generating plenty enough to share among more than one recipient.
There are infinite gradations of bonking and bonding, with a large fuzzy area when it’s hard to say which side of the line you’re on. But however you classify what you’re doing, it’s got to be good if it makes you both happy and doesn’t have any deleterious consequences.
- I believe my views on this have been essentially consistent ever since I became old enough to think for myself rather than blindly accepting the dictates of social convention, and especially once I got past the stage of becoming blindly infatuated with girls for whom I felt stirrings of desire. The fact that I become more convinced about this as time goes by probably has very little to do with where I happen to be living.[/quote]
Okay, I’m glad I asked. I’ve heard that some expats that have been here a long time have their morals melted down and remade in the local image. Not the case here.
But, as you point out there are social conventions at work. Where you live has to have some influence on them.
The side I’m on? I’m glad it’s not obvious. Too much information.
I saw BrokeBack Mountain last night. That was an emotional rollercoaster. As we are discussing here but with a triple back somersault twist. I’d never really dealt with the fact that guys can fall in love with each other. Probably naive for somebody with my years on the clock.
Love is a four letter word that wields a double-edged weapon. To engage in it fully you must at all times carry a shield. Keep a close watch on those flanks…For just like in war, the first casualty is Truth.
Cheating on someone has innumerable causes. The OP could spend years trying to figure it all out, or if she did something wrong, who the “other” is… etc.
All that is an exercise in futility. Best to move on, and find someone new, with the less thinking about it the better.
Men are like Dogs. The Urge to Merge can be quite formidable. Different Dogs deal with this in different ways. When women finally figure out what simple creatures we really are, then we’re really in for it! :scooby:
TheGingerDogg
Exclusivity or promiscuity - each is fine, as long as everyone involved knows which it is and is fine with it. In the OP’s case, it was cheating, as they dod not have an agreement to share.
I thought Omni’s post was quite enlightening, though. :bravo:
[quote=“Omniloquacious”]I find the whole concept of absolute exclusivity in relationships so absurd.
Why do we have to exercise sole possession of another person’s body just because we have formed an intimate relationship or have developed strong bonds of attachment to each other?
How can it be a bad thing if one or other of us gets additional jollies elsewhere from an occasional bonk or two? Many of us wouldn’t mind at all if our partners did so, and wish they wouldn’t mind if we did. But they would mind, and we don’t want to hurt or “betray” them, so we’re forced to endure an unending sentence of sexual servitude and deny ourselves one of the most fundamental pleasures in life.
The bond between mother and child is surely the closest bond of all, much deeper than that between lovers or husband and wife. It’s not a problem for two or more children to share a mother: their love for each other is not diminished just because it is not exclusive. Why should the relationship between a couple be any different?
This ridiculous exaction of “fidelity” must surely be one of the most absurd conventions of the benighted societies in which it prevails![/quote]
No many partners wouldn’t like it if their partners went else where for a quicky. Hell, if a man found out his woman stepped out on him, the relationship would be over quicker than James Frey’s career.
I find this so ironic how men justify ‘cheating’. If they do it, they make sure to add that it meant ‘nothing’ and it was just something they needed to do, etc. 
But when the tables are turned on them, oh boy will shit hit the fan. Men have to remember that women are emotional creatures. Sex isn’t about bonking, but a connection. When we have it, it is a physical form of giving our hearts, our inner most self. I’ve never met a woman who’s talked about just needing to ‘bust a nut’ so she could relieve the stress.
For men, it can be the same, but generally it seems to be more physical at times.
Hmm, Namahottie, it seems to me that what you are saying is that for men a roll in the hay with someone else is less of an issue than for a woman. I mean, after all, a woman gives her all whereas a bloke just gives his time. I think there is truth in that, and female prostitutes are more common than those serving women beacause of it.
I’m the cad in a recent bust up and I’m still unsure if it was wrong or right. I did meet someone else and I’m happy. Could the other relationship have survived without the social stigma? As an old hippy I think it could’ve. Actually I fessed up and ended it because that seemed the “correct” thing to do."
For the OP, it is just so much easier, I think, for the man to slide into farking around if they’re partner isn’t there. This can start out in the way Omni suggested but for me personally, and I maybe guilty of letting my morals slide, meeting someone else meant my feelings for the other were worn down by the proximity of someone else. I hated myself as it was all going down, and still feel a certain amount of self-loathing and failure. But at another level it all makes sense.
At a deeper level of what Omni’s suggesting, it would be the best thing for all. However, the problem I see is that inevitably sex ultimately envokes feelings and passion. In my experience this is stronger for women than men, but I personally can’t sleep with someone I have no feelings for. Of course if I do sleep with someone I have an attraction to, those feelings get stronger.
HG
There is another matter here that we are ignoring.
Property.
If you share your body and emotions with another person then you end up sharing your belongings. Some of them can be big ones like houses, cars and bank accounts.
So, do you share most of this with one SO then give a bit of cash to your part time lover. Seems like prostitution in that case. Do you give them nothing, that seems like favoritism to the main SO…
And…if you end a relationship where property was split should you work it out in love making.
Say, 20,000,000nt pay out to your partner for 4,000 shagging sessions over 20 years or 4 times a week average over the whole time.
5,000nt each time.
Say sometimes it was really urgent as well. It could be 1,000nt a second.
I’m just making these figures up of course, off the top of my head stuff.
Property is so like theft, man. Fortunately I had no propery or financial tie-ups. Hell, the ex has way more than me or my current!
HG
[quote=“Namahottie”]I find this so ironic how men justify ‘cheating’. If they do it, they make sure to add that it meant ‘nothing’ and it was just something they needed to do, etc. But when the tables are turned on them, oh boy will shit hit the fan. Men have to remember that women are emotional creatures. Sex isn’t about bonking, but a connection. When we have it, it is a physical form of giving our hearts, our inner most self. I’ve never met a woman who’s talked about just needing to ‘bust a nut’ so she could relieve the stress.
For men, it can be the same, but generally it seems to be more physical at times.[/quote]
Men and women are biologically different creatures. From the Darwinian perspective…well, do I need to trot evolutionary psychology to explain the double standard? I think we all are well aware of the Darwinian perspective. Women have to remember that men are physical creatures and that sex isn’t about connection, it’s about releasing a primal need. A primal physical need that for most men is almost as primal and necessary as hunger. An emotional connection makes sex 100% better, of course, but men are perfectly capable of having sex with no emotion, even with women they despise, and that’s something a lot of women cannot wrap their minds around. From your post, I think you understand this, even if you are disgusted by it. That’s OK - you can understand something while disapproving of it.
That’s one reason why there is so much prostitution in Taiwan. The Chinese are renowned as a practical people. Chinese women realize that their husbands are prone to cheat, and there is nothing they can do to stop a basic male drive. Rather than take the chance of him screwing the secretary and possibly developing an emotional attachment in an outside love affair, Chinese wives prefer that their husband go to a brothel and screw an anonymous stranger, where there is no possibility of emotional attachment and thus no potential threat to the wife’s long-term security. Or go to a sexy KTV, get drunk and grope bargirls to get his “need for strange” out of his system, as seems to be the preferred way round this island.
Men and women are different, especially when it comes to sex. Just look at how differently sexual standards are in the lesbian and gay male communities. Gay men are free of the sexual restraints imposed on heterosexual men by women, and pursue that sexual freedom with relish.
It’s politically correct to pretend that men and women are unisexually the same, but we all know that’s crap, and there are solid reasons why certain double standards exist. A man can cheat even in a happy, healthy relationship, and still love his partner. When a woman cheats, it’s a sign that there’s something in the relationship is broken. There are exceptions - women who can have sex like men, with no feelings, and who want to sow their wild oats - but that’s why we call them exceptions. To ever rule, there are exceptions. In general, what I said applies to 90% of men and women. That’s why it’s called a rash generalization.
[quote=“mod lang”][quote=“Namahottie”]I find this so ironic how men justify ‘cheating’. If they do it, they make sure to add that it meant ‘nothing’ and it was just something they needed to do, etc. But when the tables are turned on them, oh boy will shit hit the fan. Men have to remember that women are emotional creatures. Sex isn’t about bonking, but a connection. When we have it, it is a physical form of giving our hearts, our inner most self. I’ve never met a woman who’s talked about just needing to ‘bust a nut’ so she could relieve the stress.
For men, it can be the same, but generally it seems to be more physical at times.[/quote]
Men and women are biologically different creatures. From the Darwinian perspective…well, do I need to trot evolutionary psychology to explain the double standard? I think we all are well aware of the Darwinian perspective. Women have to remember that men are physical creatures and that sex isn’t about connection, it’s about releasing a primal need. A primal physical need that for most men is almost as primal and necessary as hunger. An emotional connection makes sex 100% better, of course, but men are perfectly capable of having sex with no emotion, even with women they despise, and that’s something a lot of women cannot wrap their minds around. From your post, I think you understand this, even if you are disgusted by it. That’s OK - you can understand something while disapproving of it.[/quote]
I don’t disapprove of cheating. I don’t look highly on it either. It happens and is a small fear that I would consider in any future relationship. I know that can’t control someone’s actions nor be responsible for them either. Yet, I know if someone cheated on me, it would be personal for me. Feeling as if what was there that they couldn’t have loyalty for? Do they place themselves more important? If so, then that person wasn’t meant to be in a relationship, at least not me.
Relationships today are so messed IMHO because people are so concerned about what they are getting out of it, as oppose to what they are putting in it. They aren’t focused on the relationship being an extention of themselves, a life of it’s own that needs attention. Also add to that, people who don’t know themselves well enought to be honest with themselves. If you know that you are going that route to cheat, why not get out of it before the deed and save yourself and the other party a headache? THe truth may sting for a moment, but lies can seem to stay around for years.
I wonder if cheaters are self saboteurs at heart?
So who is James Frey?
[quote=“Omniloquacious”]I find the whole concept of absolute exclusivity in relationships so absurd.
Why do we have to exercise sole possession of another person’s body just because we have formed an intimate relationship or have developed strong bonds of attachment to each other?
How can it be a bad thing if one or other of us gets additional jollies elsewhere from an occasional bonk or two? Many of us wouldn’t mind at all if our partners did so, and wish they wouldn’t mind if we did. But they would mind, and we don’t want to hurt or “betray” them, so we’re forced to endure an unending sentence of sexual servitude and deny ourselves one of the most fundamental pleasures in life.
[/quote]
Sexual servitude, eh? It ain’t so bad if you can get her into the black leather and chains. Use it sparingly so it doesn’t become stale, though. 
I hope you’ll forgive my curiosity about how this actually works in your relationship with your wife. I seem to remember you getting married a couple of years ago. Does she know how you feel about monogymy? Did you make it clear what your views were before getting married?
If a couple can have more than one partner and still respect their primary partners, well then I guess that’s their business. I don’t recall ever seeing it work, though. In theory, what Omni describes may sound workable to some. However, in the real world the results of guys (and some women) going out to get their itch scratched on a regular basis all too often end up being tragic: STDs (some incurable), warfare over shared property, damaged kids…the list is long.
I would consider myself a pretty rational guy in the sense that, well, I try to think of rationales for most of the things I do. However, I think most of us have certain built in emotions for a reason. Imagine that your children (if you haven’t got any and don’t plan on them, then you’ll have to imagine even more) walk in to see you getting some on the side (or in any position you like ). I think most of us would feel extremely guilty, and for good reason. Kids don’t understand the comlexity of daddy putting his dick in another woman. No amount of rational explanation about Darwin is going to make it ok with them.
The way I see it, the male urge to spread his seed and the pleasure that comes with doing that are natural things. However, guilt is natural, too. Guilt and fear save our asses from a lot of trouble. If it weren’t for the balancing effect of guilt, we might seek pleasure until it meant an early end to us. Sure, plenty of the guilt people feel is just a result of irrational, backward sociocultural reasons, but much of the guilt that we feel is 100% rational.
It all depends on what type of cheating, was he just sleeping with her because you weren’t there and he was horney or did he actually care about her. Having cheated on a gf when I was a in a long distance relationship in the past I can tell you that sometimes you are just horney and it’s convinient, it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about the person you are in the relationship.
Now having said that that attitude caused a lot of problems for me when I fessed up to it and in my current relationship I am sticking with fidelity, the few moments of pleasure are just not worth the hassel.
[quote=“snafu”]
Now having said that that attitude caused a lot of problems for me when I fessed up to it and in my current relationship I am sticking with fidelity, the few moments of pleasure are just not worth the hassel.[/quote]
The bottom line there folks=Cheating just doesn’t work no matter how you try to look at it.
[quote=“Namahottie”]
Relationships today are so messed IMHO because people are so concerned about what they are getting out of it, as oppose to what they are putting in it. They aren’t focused on the relationship being an extention of themselves, a life of it’s own that needs attention. ?[/quote]
Well said :bravo:
Call me old fashioned, but what ever happened to the ideal of sacrificing your own desires and wants for the good of someone you love? Sure, I’m a man, and I feel the Darwinian primal urge to sow my wild oats pretty damn often at the ripe old age of 23, but I know that to do so, even if it’s just an emotionless, connectionless bang with a random stranger, would cause great emotional harm to the woman I love. And even if she never found out, the point is that I would know. I would know that I decided that a brief moment of selfish primal release was more important than honouring a promise to be faithful to the woman I love.
I don’t like the way that society nowadays is heading towards an increasing obsession with instant gratification and the notion that anything that feels good cannot be wrong, or bad in any way, and that the idea of sacrifice is outmoded and antiquated.
Ever read Brave New World? Scarily prophetic, I think.
[quote=“trapjaw”][quote=“Namahottie”]
Relationships today are so messed IMHO because people are so concerned about what they are getting out of it, as oppose to what they are putting in it. They aren’t focused on the relationship being an extention of themselves, a life of it’s own that needs attention. ?[/quote]
Well said :bravo:
[/quote] Thanks
From what I’ve seen from mags and on TV broadcasts, it seems that America is already way way down that road. I don’t know why people still question whether or not cheating is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ when the results are out there. No relationship has really survived the act, and if it has, it has never been the same.