In my opinion a lot of these issues can be avoided if you guys really figure out a woman’s values before anything like marriage.
For example, While my parents didn’t come from money they instilled many ideas that in my view helps. The one in terms of relationships is if the girl I’m interested in comes from a good family and are the parents divorced. Statistically, children of divorced parents are far more likely to get divorced themselves. And coming from a single parent often leads to generational poverty and unstable families leads to more problems from mental health to crime.
I get this topic would be not very PC but I see it play out in my life with the people around me and as I got older I finally get it. It’s an old school mentality but it makes sense.
Do you guys not have serious conversations about their views on marriage and divorce and what roles they view themselves having responsibility and duty to as a wife and husband?
You have to be so careful now with the modern women being sent messages that will destroy your marriage and relationships with kids. It’s probably a red flag if for example they like the movie eat pray love.
Women are told to be “independent,” but that often means independent from consequences or from needing to invest in others
Emotional responsibility, loyalty, and duty used to be virtues, but now they’re sometimes framed as weaknesses or oppression.
I get there are some horrible men out there and previously it was hard for a woman to leave but I would say the message now is doing its damage to other situations.
Don’t get me wrong men are being told other messages like sleep with as many women as possible and material possessions make you a man or whatever. But I think you really have to be selective and really dig into a woman’s values before marriage
Yes I bought the car I also bought the life she lives
It’s my gift to her
Am I to take the car back ? Am I to take away all support from her ? No I don’t hate her
I am fond of her and I give of myself of my own free
Will
It is my choice and I respect my choice
Don’t really give an F what others think about that
They are not me
I will withdraw support if she divorces me but until then she remains my wife
And even if and when I have no malice and will continue I to treat her well and respect her choice
That what you do when you care for someone
I don’t see marriage as a business decision
I don’t see former partners as enemies I see them as friends who we shared a connection with at one time and that memory will endear them to me and will not be forgotten
Even if our lives diverge going forward
Don’t have hate in your heart
Love them even as they leave you
Support them
Let them find their way in life
Be magnanimous where you can be
It’s good for your own well being too
Help your ex don’t treat them with scorn and hatred
I hope you got a prenup as Californian divorce court is often more favorable to women when men are the providers. Always better to decide between yourselves and not leave it up to the court.
If not, that might be another hard lesson to learn.
I just want to say this is probably going to be a huge misunderstanding from your part if it goes to court in a divorce.
The state institution of marriage is a business decision. Marriage is a contract because once you sign that license, you’re legally agreeing to share assets, debts, responsibilities, and follow your state’s rules if things end. You may marry for love, but the law treats it like a binding partnership with real consequences.
Like breaking up a business partnership; there are lawyers involved with a court.
Love and religious or personal/spiritual marriage is not the same as the state institution of marriage.
No you won’t. Remember that I-864 Affidavit of Support you signed?
Form I-864, Affidavit of Support under Section 213A of the INA, is a contract an individual signs agreeing to use their financial resources to support the intending immigrant named on the affidavit. The individual who signs the affidavit of support becomes the sponsor once the intending immigrant becomes a lawful permanent resident. The sponsor is usually the petitioner who filed an immigrant petition on behalf of the intending immigrant.
An affidavit of support is a legally enforceable contract, and the sponsor’s responsibility usually lasts until the family member or other individual either becomes a U.S. citizen, or is credited with 40 quarters of work (usually 10 years).
Spouses doing “solo travel” seems to be a thing here (even if they have kids) and I find it weird… and suspicious af. Of course my wife and I aren’t down with that nonsense, but we know at least three other couples (including one mixed) in which the wife has traveled to a different country completely alone for her holiday. Far off places like Iceland and France too. American women have other types of issues, but this is one thing that would raise a ton of red flags in the US.
Yeah like if someone passes, I totally get traveling alone to the funeral. Hardly a joyous trip. And of course many people travel for business. But beyond that…
To be fair, being considerably younger than dear tommy is a major sort of contribution in many ways.
Sad to hear it didn’t work out @tommy525 . I remember when I was new to the forum I read through the whole thread about you and your e-relationship with her and it developing into the real deal. I like many of the others here probably found it a bit weird, given the age gap and the e-mail order bride/provider feel of it, but it seemed you were earnestly interested in making it a lifetime thing and that sincerity carried me on your side instead of the detractors.
I guess they might’ve been right in the end, but hey, as long as proceedings after the fact go ok, it could be a lot worse too a few years spent with an attractive young woman and a lot of cash lost, naja. worse trades have been made
perhaps the first and last time I will ever wholeheartedly agree with chewdawg!
Not to mention, again, being pretty young woman, going out with older man. That comes with its own contributions… And I’m sure tommy didn’t just admire her from afar!
If tommy were smart, before he gets divorced, he’d get permanent residency in Indonesia based on marriage and build a nice little house in some out of the way coastal paradise that would put life in Taiwan to shame. Eventually get citizenship and hire some local lass to clean house and cook meals for him and keep him company during her off time.
Before children we travelled together. After children we solo’d. I am a UFC fan and saw fights in Shanghai, Singapore, Japan, Korea, and Macau. I would travel with my friends while she watched the kids, she would travel with hers while I watched them. It is quite normal here. People have told me it was FOMO that caused her to leave but throughout our 12.5 years together she has travelled to Australia, Finland, Kazahkstan, China, Korea, Thailand, Palau, France, and many more. She and I each would go abroad by ourselves a few times a year after we had kids.
We spoke in depth before marriage, we both agreed “no divorce, we work through our problems. Loyalty and teamwork.” I think she is the first in her very large family to divorce, EVERYONE in my family has divorced. Before we got married that was the one thing I wanted to be sure of. Whatever problems we have, we work through them, divorce is not an option. A few kids, decent government jobs, a nice house and car. That’s what we both said we wanted. People change. She changed. I had no choice in the matter.
We are very much the same, I still support her in her MA program and when she needs something she can ask. Hell she is still on my family plan for Netflix, HBO, Disney +, etc. Of course I could change passwords and tell her to F off if she needs anything. But even though we are divorced, I still wish the best for her, will still help her if she needs it, she is the mother of my children and gave me some of the best moments of my life. That doesn’t make me weak, it makes me mature. It is difficult for people to understand who haven’t been in our situation.
a few years spent with an attractive young woman and a lot of cash lost, naja. worse trades have been made