I just met my girlfriend’s parents on Saturday. I was short on money, because my boss told me I had to wait till after Chinese New Years. I bought her parents, a few weeks prior, a heating fan, and I had 900 nt left before going to see them. My girlfriend proceeded to tell me that I had to buy something else for them, and that they would probably not like it near as much as they would have liked a red envelope. Turns out that her mom is all about the money, and constantly was criticizing me at the dinner table. I don’t speak nor understand all that much, but I can understand when people look at me, and I constantly hear meiguo, over and over. Apparently, she was told to break up with me and she told me that we can’t let them know, because they will beat her to death, if they find out.
What a nice situation…
Has anyone been in this situation and it worked out, okay, or do you think I’m screwed. She sounds sure that she wants to be with me, but she has only been having her mom and dad nag at her for a day, and I don’t know how her friend’s influences will affect the picture.
Never had this happen, but if I had to guess based on what I’ve read here. You can kiss her goodbye. TWese girls follow their parents/family wishes closely as family rules in this society.
It is not customary for the daughter’s boyfriend to give the daughter’s parents a red envelope. Her parents are seriously demented. You wanna be real careful.
Boyfriends/girlfriends are not supposed to give hongbao to their girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s parents. And if you’re young (say, under 30) you’re usually not expected to give anything. Your girlfriend is (I’m assuming!! ) unmarried, so if anything, the parents should be giving hongbao to her.
And your girlfriend didn’t have the courtesy to a) translate what they were saying or b) defend you?
“beat to death” = translation of “da si”. It’s as literal as a Westerner saying “My parents are gonna kill me.” In other words, it’s not literal.
And your girlfriend didn’t have the courtesy to a) translate what they were saying or b) defend you?[/quote]
I honestly didn’t have a problem with how she handeled it. We ate quickly and she asked me if I was done, and we left the table. To start a big fight would have been in favor of her parents, IMO.
[quote=“Chris”]
“beat to death” = translation of “da si”. It’s as literal as a Westerner saying “My parents are gonna kill me.” In other words, it’s not literal.[/quote]
She told me before about them hitting her sister in the stomach because she got pregnant, and how they have beaten her sister up before. I think in this case they really would beat her. They are really traditional, and her mom is a complete alchoholic. Her dad isn’t because he is too sick to drink, but he has the mentality of a drunk.
Tell your gf that if they beat her, you will beat them. You can be her protector. Have her relay the message so that the parents will see you as someone who can take care of their daughter and trust you. Then when you get tired of her and dump her, you can have your very own stalker!
maybe you should try learning some chinese. that is, if you are actually serious about her. your effort may lead to her parents likewise thinking you are serious about your girlfriend and not just trying to get some
I spoke my limited chinese with them; which wasn’t much. When they were telling my girlfriend reasons why she should break up with me; they said he can’t speak to us. She told them I was learning chinese, but they, as she said, were acting like children and ignored that part.
I was up till 5 am, thinking about the situation. If I was serious about getting married, I think things would be fine. We could elope and they couldn’t say much. I don’t really feel comfortable with that. I love her, we have been together for a little over a year, but we’ve only lived together for 4 months, and I really don’t think that is enough time to really get to know what someone is like to live with.
My girlfriend is basing her ability to stay in the area, on whether she can get into a grad degree program, teaching foreigners chinese. Otherwise, she has to move back to her parent’s hometown. Its sounds pretty damn difficult. 5 random questions, 2 hours, and only one school in the whole of Southern Taiwan has this program.
You are in South Taiwan. There are fewer rules than you assume…be very careful. You basically have no rights and these people are clearly abusive and demented. I doubt that your girlfriend will follow her demented parents’ wishes…but that is not your problem…your problems will begin when she does go against their wishes. Then they are going to demand money. I guarantee it.
It is enough time. Just get the niggling doubts and things that annoy you and magnify them all 10 times bigger. That will likely be your frame of reference in a few years.
It is probably best not to go and complicate the situation with thoughts of marriage. You just need to figure out if you are both committed to working through this issue together in the short term. If you are then see what happens and where life takes you.
Can’t drink a heater can you? Too bad that you have to put up with this. But I’ve had to deal with alchoholics in relationships. They are unreliable, unstable, and very very very irresponsible. Think twice before going further with this girl, as if you two get married, then know that family being invovled in your marriage is apart of the package deal.
Her parents are emotionally and physically abusive and you should take her away from that situation. Elope, and leave the country, and never let them know where you live. You don’t want people like that in your lives. :loco:
Why should he rescue her? The girl is going for further education which in my book means she is trying to rescue herself. If he takes her away from the situation, that situation will still be there, as that he is dealing with a different mindframe.
Not all of them are like that; some of us still follow our own thoughts and wishes. Parents are important, but what is really important for my own life is what I really want…
Well, re-reading the thread, if you’re not sure you’re ready for marriage, then hold off on this eloping idea, but if and when you do decide to marry, if I were you, I’d leave these losers permanently behind. They don’t deserve to play a part in her or your life.
As for whether you want to marry her, I’d say that you should make whether she’s willing to cut ties with them a key test of whether this is the right girl, because you sure as hell don’t want to marry her family. Put to rest any illusions that things will improve on their own or that they will somehow change.
I think a lot of the posters who say to get rod of the girl for her parents are nuts. It depends on how old she is. If she is 30 and still putting up with this shit from them, she will forever. If she is 20, she just hasn’t been able to a) walk or b) stand up to them. Young women are very dependant on the parents. But as they grow up, the get more independent. I know she is Taiwanese and all, but I have Taiwanese friends who are as independant as my American friends.
How often does she see her family now?
Are you sure she will return there if she doesn’t get into the grad program or is she just voicing her fears? Men commonly mistake a woman voicing her fears as her saying “this is what will be”.
She introduced you. That says a lot about how she will stand up to them. Cuz a woman KNOWS her parents. She most likely KNEW they would be assholes about it. She doesn’t want to end it, even though they said to. This says she isn’t all like “My parents get up in the morning and put the sun in the sky…”
I think you should just give her time.
Give her a week to think about it and then talk to her about what this all means in the grand scheme of things.
I also think that in all likelihood, her making you get her parents gifts was her way of trying to pad the attitude. She knew they would be SOBs so she wanted to get some ass kissing in from you. " Look, he brought you stuff…"
And if she told them you were working on your Chinese when they were being sods about it, she was trying to stand up for you. Which is a HARD thing to do to a drunk.
Buying and then having to buy another gift, which was then deemed secondary to a hong bao is a very, very, bad sign. You are obviously besotted or the folly of what transpired would be blatantly obvious.
Personally I’m extremely intolerant when it comes to anybody’s family, including my own or my extended family. Basuically they get the slack I’d cut for a friend and no more. If they cross that line then they’re out
) unmarried, so if anything, the parents should be giving hongbao to her.