The second part of the tragedy:
After my faustian pact did not come to pass, I thought I could use the time to apply for an U.S. Greencard, move to Washington, rent a place, work there for a bit, get a U.S. TIN and come back with the necessary information to get things going over here. According to my calculations, there was even enough time for a trip to the east coast.
“No!”, I said to myself, “They would count that as a win. You’re a German. We’ve basically invented bureaucracy, know almost everything and most importantly: we know better!”
I did what every normal human being would do and went online to search for information that supports my arguments. There I found that Germany has a tax ID and that said number should be on my last pay slips. Good thing I got them scanned and saved them in my phone!
The next issue was the address. I quickly looked up some interesting locations. FC Bayern München’s Stadium? The Chancellor’s office? The Cathedral of cologne? I went for the European Central Bank.
“Miss?”
I looked up from my phone. My Clerk had been sent back by the council in order to relay their decision to me.
“You need to write your TIN and address on this form”
“I was expecting something like that.”
“It’s the law”
“I thought it’s a form?”
“No, it’s the law.”, She insisted.
I was genuinely surprised. If this form was in fact the law, then I would get to write it! Maybe I could outlaw stinky tofu and polo shirts tucked into the trousers. I went on to squeeze as much of the necessary legeslation in one of the empty fields as possible. I managed to get to “tofu”, when the Eye of Sauron spotted something it was displeased with.
“I’m sorry Miss (She clearly wasn’t), but you put the checkmark into the wrong box.”
I checked my checkmark. It was where I left it: In the box next to ‘Person is only a taxpaying resident of the Republic of China.’
“But I am only a taxpaying resident of the Republic of China.”
“This is just for residents. You need to check the box next to ‘Not opening a new account. Person is not only a taxpaying resident of the Republic of China’. The last one.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“I, who is only paying taxes here, in Taiwan and nowhere else, should really write that I pay taxes Somewhere else?”
“Yes.”
“Where else do I pay taxes?”
“I don’t know. That is something you have to know.”
I was stunned. Did she really just said that? I was wondering if I could catch her in a logic loop, but my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of metal shutters bein lowered. I looked around. I was the only customer left. The security guard was preparing to go home and an elderly man had started wiping the chairs with some disinfectant. I had already spent the whole afternoon on this.
“You need to check the third box.” she insisted and gave me a new form. “You need to write your TIN and address.”
I wrote ‘58008’ and as much fours as I could fit into the fields for my TIN and proceed to write down the ECB’s address. The elderly man had begun to rid the counters of any germs and viruses.
“Don’t forget to check the third box”, came her voice through a cloud of ethanol.
“Yeah… I know…”, I replied weekly. My eyes began to water as they too were getting disinfected. I smeared the last few letters on what I assumed was the form. I handed it over an in return got a new bankcard.
As soon as I put everything back into my bag I was complimented out by the clerk. She had been victorious and she made no effort to hide it.
I went to a near café to rest my tired feet. As I was sipping on my coffe, my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hello, I’m with the Taishin Bank. You just were here and changed your ARC number, right?”
"Yes "
“Yeah, I just went over your FATCA form and it seems like you checked the wrong box. But that’s no problem since you’re not American. I can change the checkmark for you, if it’s ok with you?”