Lots of interesting advice here. If it is that the family are poor, you will have an idea from the address. Where does she go when she goes to visit? Is it out in the boondocks?
You could of course come around this problem by offering to pay for them to come visit you guys, without any insinuation that they are poor…it is just the tradition in your home country. If they will accept this and you can speak a few words of Chinese you may well be fine.
I certainly wouldn’t hit this head on, I would try to find a way to get where you need to taking a slightly more scenic route than you might have intended. Pushing her to go to the courthouse tomorrow isn’t going to help you right now. If you can’t meet her parents you could at least ask to visit her home town and look around, as long as you seem comfortable you may end up getting invited to see the outside of the house and your reaction there may get you in the door.
Assuming that you are deeply in love (which having quit your job and moved here is presumbly a given) it is time for you to start trying to understand her and your new surroundings. Remember you can always get new papers.
When it comes to her going home once a week to stay overnight with her family. No, that’s not normal here. Not at all.
My father in law (sort of almost, as we are not married yet) passed away recently, and the kids are sharing the responsibility for looking after the mother in law. We therefore spend 3 nights at my mother in laws house every week. We live some 15 minutes away by car, so it’s easy for us.
Her health is not good either, so we also take her to a hospital, pressure her into not eating too much unhealthy foods, and try to talk her into getting into doing a bit of exercise once in a while.
Note however that the operative word is we - IE we go there, and we stay there. I will at times stay at home, however that’s only when I choose to do so.
While I don’t want to add to the demons in your head, since you’ve not met the folks or been to their house, in fact you really don’t know where she is staying.
Communication, that’s what’s required, and the fact you’ve told an online comunity about it means you’re not getting much from her.
I say fuck the cultural sensitivity, if she wants a dishonest uncommunicative relationship then tell her to shack up with a local bloke who shags his secretary and everything else only to return home and act the big family man on the weekends. However, if she wants a loving and close relationship, then she’s gotta talk. Simple.
There are many lovely ladies in Taiwan. Don’t settle for that kind of crap treatment. 7 years and she can’t give you the time of day? Kick her to the curb man!
I gotta agree with everyone else, you have no idea where her parents are of even if she is visiting her parents. Did she used to go away for extended periods when you guys were dating ? Is this the first time you are living together ?
The family situation can be complicated and not necessarily cause for alarm. Lots of Western guys married to Taiwanese ladies have to deal with the family issue and sometimes there’s an extended adjustment period for all parties involved. But cultural issues aside, the lack of sex and leaving you at home alone are unacceptable in my view. I wouldn’t be in a rush to marry someone at a point in the relationship where the sex is bad and the communication is limited. It’s only bound to get worse after the wedding, right?
I would definitely try to sit down and talk to her about your concerns. You’ve already compromised a lot by quitting your job and moving here to be with her. If she loves and respects you, she should be willing to compromise too, and at least make sure that your needs are getting met. Good communication and physical compatibility are essential to a good marriage. I would think you’d be much better off if you made the decision to resolve these particular issues before you actually make a lifelong commitment to this lady.
Keep in mind, this advice is coming from a non-married Western gal, so take it for what it’s worth.
[quote=“nihonjin”]My house owner couple had been lived in Canada for 18 years and their children who were brought up in Canada have white boyfriend/girlfriend.
(Their children are still in Canada and will never come back to Taiwan.)
Their house interior and life style is very westernized and they speak English like native.
However, they(parents) told me that they allow their children to go out with Waigoren, but will never allow them to marry with waigoren.
Thus, culture may not be a problem. It maybe a “Race” problem.
I often heard many Chinese believe that Chinese are superior to other race.
If your girl friend’s family do not accept anyone outside their race, then it would be very difficult for you even if you could marry her.[/quote]
They live in Canada. I hate to break it to them, BUT they are the waiguoren… :loco:
We all seem to be jumping to the conclusion that you’re a “big nose” waiguoren like most of us. However, I have this sneaky suspicion you’re not. Are you perhaps Japanese? If so, that may also change the scenario somewhat. Many TW families would actually feel more comfortable if you were. So if you are, and still haven’t met the family that’s extra wierd IMHO.
Furthermore, have you considered where you two will live? If in Taiwan, are you able to find gainful employment here? Have you looked into that? These are also issues that may have a bearing on the fact that you haven’t met the family yet. If they are fairly well off Taiwanese you’re going to be a hard sell as an unemployed foreigner in Taiwan who’s just quit his job…
I have dated mine for 3 years and I moved to Taiwan this january.
My mother in law went with my GF befour I arived to buy a bed four us to share so she had no problem acepting me.
I stay in there house, but my parents in law is almoust allways sleeping in a resturant they runn so it’s only me and the G and the sister.
You can’t marry someone if you don’t know their family. You marry the family too. No matter how much you love someone, if you can’t get on with the family it won’t work. So meeting the fam on the wedding day is suicide.
There is no such thing as normal. Some people will welcome you and others wont. Some girls will make a success of dealing with this situation, and others will make a total mess of it. One thing is for sure, whatever you are dealing with here, it will be unique and ultimately up to you 2 to sort out. The only normal thing is random activity.
MrsHill gets everything wrong and I still love and trust her.
This sounds like she is embarrassed of her home/parents? But after seven years together, it’s odd she still feels she needs to hide her family from you. Does she think that lowly of her home/parents?
But it also got me thinking…maybe she’s not totally honest with you…maybe she’s embarrassed of you, rather than her home/parents, and is telling you she’s embarrassed of her home/parents because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings (after seven years, you’d think she could be herself with you).
This is something you can research and ask around about, you don’t have to tell us on this forum, but depending on which ethnicity and which foreign country you’re from, you’ll be treated differently. Maybe your girlfriend is just trying to “protect” you from her parents’ uneducated discrimination.
I’m just throwing ideas out here for you to ponder. Good luck to you. I hope you two have a good talk about this and everything gets resolved.
I was thinking about the OP’s 1st post agin and something get out of my attention; “No sex”
Listen, a relation , a good one is based on 2 pillars : A healthy sexual realtionship and a open honest communication. Seems that neither are for granted now.
If she has to “sleep over” at her families place, it could be that she has to provide a certain service to her parents, maybe based on a certain “security payment” she expects from you to pay to her family.
y old stylish families. Did you had an in-depth discussion about “money” as if it is one of these very ols stylish families you are expected to pay a certain “gratitude” to marry their daughter.
I found myself in a kind of similar situation a while ago, and “hiding” me from her mother was only based on my not-well willingness to come over with some cash.
Hope you guys can sort it out. Would be shamefull to split up if you were happy overseas.
Blesses.
[quote=“doraemon”]
She knows I have a deadline because of my single certificate and visa, but she still continue to act like a 5 years old child![/quote]
I did not read all of the post here, but the ones I did failed to mention this stetement. The above statement looks to me that you might be getting married becuase you have to (to stay in Taiwan). Just thinking outloud here.
Another thing I was thinking of, do you make enough money? Many Taiwanese women put a “price tag” on their soon-to-be husband’s (not mine thank goodness, i’m poor ). My wife’s sister says, “my husband must make at least 150k a month.” after asking her what she is looking for in a man.
I can understand the going home thing and staying with her parents. However, without knowing either of you, that can be a normal to a very bad situation. In either case, it is never good.
Are you sure she goes home when she says she does? Or does she hang out with her friends a lot, espeically on those nights she is staying at her parents house?
You have a problem and it is probably serious. You know this already or you would not have posted here looking for help. You are going to have to get answers from her. On a forum, we can only guess.
She is very traditional I think. Maybe she is also afraid of being rejected by her parents about your marrage. Coutrual shock, I’ll say about your feeling.
My suggestion will be ask her parents out for dinner or ask her to preparing for some kind of unformal meeting. At least you got to have more time to be with her parents and get them to know you know. It is not about the language issue, and it is about to let them know who you are.
). My wife’s sister says, “my husband must make at least 150k a month.” after asking her what she is looking for in a man.