I had the biggest trust issues with men then this. Couple of months ago, I met an Taiwanese-American in Taipei in Bumble. He said he is single, never been married and didn’t have kids. I’m single too and never been married and doesn’t have kids. We clicked and dated for several weeks while he was here in Taipei. We kissed and all, except for sex. He showed me pictures of his parents, his sister, his nieces. He sends me pictures of relatives he had dinners with. We went out for drinks with his cousin. He went back to US as he is based there and we were video calling everyday for months. Morning and evenings, without fail, almost two hours a day.
He claimed he didn’t have Facebook, didn’t think too much of it. He called me while at work, at airport, while jogging, while doing groceries. Sent me pictures of where he went, who he was with. We made plans to visit each other in 3 months. He was giving me all the time in the world.
One evening, we had a discussion about future and was on the topic of having kids. He said he didn’t want any while it was non-negotiable for me. I told him I need time to think about it. He was quick to revert that I should just date other men. I was shattered…
He became cold afterwards… I blamed myself and even think if having kids matters more than having such a great guy. I was heartbroken and doubted if my past trust issues caused me to sabotage relationships. He was quick to end it. Couldn’t wrap my head around it.
Then I googled this morning. His name and address appeared. Supposedly, I can find out more about a person’s background but the links can’t be opened because I’m not located in US. Then I googled the address and boom, a female has the same address. I opened facebook and looked up the female name, and found out that’s his wife. There are pictures of him and his wife and their two daughters.
Apparently, I’ve been having an affair with him all this time, unknowingly. I’m still shaking while writing this. I don’t know how long I can recover from this. I need advice how to confront him about this. Will telling him I know now help me in recovery or should I just move on?
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. If you’re still devastated, it is okay to give time to let those emotions pour out. You can also choose to talk to someone close to you about it.
About the guy, like what others said, just forget about him. I’m getting the impression that you’re still naive about cheaters, or you might have already invested emotionally in your relationship, but yeah people like him exist. Or about people who’d ghost the person they’re dating once they don’t agree on terms like having kids. It’s a preference thing and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I don’t see your trust issues sabotaging your relationship.
Lastly, it doesn’t mean everyone is a cheater. You prolly know some couples who are faithful to each other.
Yeah but not everyone has that kind of perspective when it comes to dating. I have the impression OP was emotionally invested already. And not everyone can move on quickly.
Nope. You just want him to hurt as much as you are.
You dodged a bullet by not getting knocked up or seriously involved with him. He cheats and his family members allow him to cheat as well. Imagine yourself sitting at home looking after his kids hoping he pays your rent and comes home from time to time.
Tell him what? Often times when we wanna confront the person who was the asshole in the relationship is for seeking validation. You dont need his. You are great and awesome and u deserve someone who treats you better. He had affair with you. he will keep having affairs in future too. His poor wife.
You should just move on. meet new people and dont look back or try to contact him. If he does then dont reply anything
Don’t confront him, just move on. You will hear more lies and excuses.
You can elaborate letting his wife know. Doing this will have huge impact on other people, his family, kids, who are innocent.
I imagine this guy will do it again. Eventually his cheating will come out and will have the same blowout.
If you play the ball to his wife, this will most likely end in divorce. Ultimately the guy is to blame for causing this.
Appreciate all the replies. As one of you have said it, I’m emotionally invested in this. He gave me all the time possible when he was in Taipei. I even met his cousin, which I thought meant something to be introduced to family. Even after he was back in US, we were video calling almost two hours a day just sharing about each other’s lives. The way it transpired, I couldn’t have known that he has a family. There were just so many lies that I can’t fathom how a person could do that.
While I have enough dignity in myself to move on, when we parted it was our understanding that I caused it to. Knowing what I know now, he was just looking for an opening and immediately exited given the excuse.
I will move on from this. Just asking how to make it easier for me.
Would letting him know somehow guilt trip him and at the very least, think twice about doing it to other ladies? Most of you says not to confront him at all but part of me is wanting to tell him off.
This is all raw and I need time to process everything.
I would tell his wife. She deserves to know. She may be out of the loop and in the same situation as you. Who knows, he may have other side affairs going on as well. I’d do it in a FYI way rather than opening dialogue, and of course never reply to the guy if he reaches out.
Also are you Taiwanese or a foreigner in Taiwan? Just curious
I know some guys in real life who still cheat even if they have a family already. Most of them only stop if they feel they have had enough. So I think confronting him won’t do anything.
Maybe it would be better to stop worrying about other people and take care of yourself for the meantime.
I wouldn’t have the heart to tell the wife. It also wasn’t sexual infidelity in the strictest sense.
While we are both Taiwanese, we also both grew up outside Taiwan. He in US, me in SEA.
Walk away and try to focus on moving forward. Letting him know will change nothing for you. Telling his spouse is not likely to be satisfying for you in anyway, whether or not she knows anything about his behavior.
Reflect on what you can from the experience, but spend no more time or thought on that person. Just move on.
Do not give yourself any more reason to regret any decision or actions you might make. There is no upside. You are very lucky - you saved yourself from being further emotionally committed. That’s a win for you, even if it doesn’t feel like one
The more u are thinking about it, the harder it would be for you to move on. I know things seems hard right now. Your brain is still filled with all the sweet memeories of him and and its hard to let go of it but time is best medicine for moving on.You dont have to tell his wife if u dont want. Just live your own life
Go out, have an ice cream and meet new people , do things u love doing.contacting him will bring nothing good
Send his wife an apology letter not using your real name and some photo’s if you have some. Sure she would not be happy. Good you never had sex cause wife can sue if you did but she would have to prove that. Have a heart, don’t let him know about his being married. Just advise his wife you were duped just is she is being duped.
And… you think that will actually make you feel better? What’s the best case fantasy scenario here - he breaks down while you get closure and walk away triumphantly or something? What’s the likelihood of whatever it is you’re imagining?
Don’t get involved in other people’s shit. Maybe she knows. If she doesn’t… maybe she breaks up a happy (but oblivious) family, devastating them. Is that something she wants to carry with her as she Facebook stalks them? Would the wife want that? What is the wife gets pissed off at her and starts some shit? just drop it.
