The other day I turned 40. The day after that I woke up and it occurred to me that I had no vices. It made me feel sad. Isn’t there a saying somewhere about how all men need to have at least one vice to keep them sane, or something like that?
I used to smoke cigarettes, but gave them up a couple of months ago. Actually, I never smoked that much in the first place. I’ve smoked dope, but only ever casually when friends or acquaintances had it. I never found it that much fun, anyway. Actually, one time I had too much to smoke on a remote Thai island in the company of some unpleasant veteran travellers, and found myself getting slightly paranoid while dodging the lethal coconuts falling all around me on the unlit path back to my hut. The roof of the hut next to mine had been bashed in by falling coconuts. I found that unnerving.
I haven’t drunk that much alcohol in my time, and don’t plan to. I like a coupla beers of a Saturday evening in a cozy pub. Or maybe on the patio deck under the stars. That’s not a vice. Maybe I should cultivate an affectation like collecting obscure brands of absinthe? Hmmm. Nah.
I enjoyed my share of libidinous escapades before I met my wife, though nothing shocking, really. I’ve contemplated having an affair or procurring the services of a professional now and then, but have to say I just don’t have enough desire, i.e. I can’t be bothered. The risk to a good relationship really isn’t worth it to me.
So what is there? I’m not interesting in collecting things, so that’s out. Hobbies, well, I’ve got a few, but collecting 7,634 MP3s of my favourite bands and cycling and table tennis can’t really be counted as vices. My life needs a dash of vinegar to give it a twist, but I’m flummoxed as to what that should be.
[quote=“porcelainprincess”]
So what is there? I’m not interesting in collecting things, so that’s out. Hobbies, well, I’ve got a few, but collecting 7,634 MP3s of my favourite bands and cycling and table tennis can’t really be counted as vices. My life needs a dash of vinegar to give it a twist, but I’m flummoxed as to what that should be.[/quote]
Since you don’t want to do drugs, drink or cheat on your wife, have you thought of swinging with your wife? Maybe she is looking for a vice too.
Other than that, buy a gun and shoot stuff. Guys in Maine seem to like to do that. Not sure if it’s a vice though. It might be if you hit something you’re not supposed to.
Turning 40 is like a disappearing act. You just slip behind the curtins and well that’s it because who cares anyway. So it is a good time to cultivate your vices; have them decribe you. If you can’t handle wine, women and song perhaps you could explore a few other vices by broadening your horizons a little perhaps you have some latent homosexuality. If all that doesn’t tickle your ribs you might consider an online ministry that ministers to those of us who are described by our vices.
It could be a kind of confessional. In fact, I think that’s such a good idea I might call it a vice just so as I can indulge it.
[quote=“porcelainprincess”]The other day I turned 40. The day after that I woke up and it occurred to me that I had no vices. It made me feel sad. Isn’t there a saying somewhere about how all men need to have at least one vice to keep them sane, or something like that?
I used to smoke cigarettes, but gave them up a couple of months ago. Actually, I never smoked that much in the first place. I’ve smoked dope, but only ever casually when friends or acquaintances had it. I never found it that much fun, anyway. Actually, one time I had too much to smoke on a remote Thai island in the company of some unpleasant veteran travellers, and found myself getting slightly paranoid while dodging the lethal coconuts falling all around me on the unlit path back to my hut. The roof of the hut next to mine had been bashed in by falling coconuts. I found that unnerving.
I haven’t drunk that much alcohol in my time, and don’t plan to. I like a coupla beers of a Saturday evening in a cozy pub. Or maybe on the patio deck under the stars. That’s not a vice. Maybe I should cultivate an affectation like collecting obscure brands of absinthe? Hmmm. Nah.
I enjoyed my share of libidinous escapades before I met my wife, though nothing shocking, really. I’ve contemplated having an affair or procurring the services of a professional now and then, but have to say I just don’t have enough desire, i.e. I can’t be bothered. The risk to a good relationship really isn’t worth it to me.
So what is there? I’m not interesting in collecting things, so that’s out. Hobbies, well, I’ve got a few, but collecting 7,634 MP3s of my favourite bands and cycling and table tennis can’t really be counted as vices. My life needs a dash of vinegar to give it a twist, but I’m flummoxed as to what that should be.[/quote]
You could always start a rigid program of habitual masterbation. it doesn’t kill you and it could be labeled as a “vice”. If it works for Truant then it should work for you too.
But don’t you know what that will do to you??? Here’s how John Marten decribed “post-masturbation disease” in the Treatise of Venereal Diseases in 1711:
I think you’re better off with cowardice, folly, and venality. Barring that, I know a place where you can roll some dice for cheap sausages.
DB & I are thinking the same thing…start wackin’ off.
Read “Portnoys Complaint” and a few other books that guy wrote with the ‘Tarnapol’ character for hints on what to do with your…“Little silver bullets.”
And do not ever ask me to use my bathroom.
Avoid cross-dressing at your age. Its just look too weird seeing a grown man wearing taffeta and pearls.
Drink tons of coffee.
Smoke a cigar on the patio after a long day’s work.
Use foul language more often.
Get into fights.
Spend too much on eating out.
Organize a man’s night out once a week. Get plastered, and end up at a strip club.
Pick up an expensive hobby, like golf.
I’ve done all of these at one point or another, and man, I had a helluva good time.
They can be oh so good and it really feels like you're doing something wrong. It's so unseemly for a man your age to be caught up in them that it's like all other vices combined.
i’d go with gambling as well.
it can be nice and edgy, you never know when you’re going to win or lose. it’s illegal. you can have totally entertaining evenings/early mornings, and make or lose some money.
can be a lot of fun, and it is a vice as opposed to some of the other things described which aren’t really vices as such.
A vice… an evil, degrading, or serious moral failing…
Well, you say you don’t cheat cos you can’t be bothered. Thats a pretty serious moral failing right there…
If you steal from the internet you have a vice.
If you ever think about ‘doing’ a cute student, thats a vice.
If you chew your toenails or foot skin, thats a nasty vice.
If you fart in front of your wife, vice.
Don’t go to church, or worship God, mega vice.
You watch your friends and neighbours struggle. Vice.
Man there are plenty of things you could call a vice. If you need one with a clear label, then start class A drugs. They are expensive, screw up you and your family, and will leave you dead or dying. There is a vice with a clear label. I’d say you are in a mid-life funk. Beer and sex are usually the cures for that. (I think!)
