Problem daughter I feel I should leave Taiwan. (long message)

Due to a problem Daughter I have no choice other than to leave Taiwan and go back to UK? Advise appreciated.

She is unbearable 19 year selfish ignorant child.

Her mother and I have been dating for over 3 years, I visited here Taipei twice a year and she came to me twice in that period.

No financial issues, I pay her a agreed monthly rental buying food and cooking done on a roughly not monitored 50/50 basis all out of home entertainment costs from my pocket I’m happy with.

We are very much in love and She is supportive of me and agrees her Daughter is a problem, however being the gentleman I know blood is thicker than water I’m the one that has to give.

Her father died from cancer when she was 4 years and her mother has been sole supporter since that time, one failed long term relationship down the daughter in that period.

When her mother is in the room she only say’s a hello to the back of my head in a whisper, I either don’t hear or she is to quick to complain and shouts it at me, this has been going on for 5 months, she will never look me in the eye as hard as I have tried to get her attention.

Past week has been the crux, we have a French teacher lodger who is very nice a little quite but other than that fine, she has now taken a huge dislike to her and has started her bullying tactics, blaming her for not doing any cleaning in the shared bathroom and not disposing of her rubbish in correct order working on forcing her out. (makes me sick, daughter has not done any cleaning since I’ve been here, dirty scruffy washes only her own dishes badly and frowns. I end up washing them again, she expects me to do her washing, I once took it from the line so I could put ours up, since then she will not take it of the line and carries on wearing same clothes until her mum does.) A lot of the clothes she wears I bought for her from UK and she has commandeered my pure wool vintage Crombie winter coat without asking, she took it from my wardrobe.

She won’t eat much when I’ve cooked pushes it around the plate in rare times she hasn’t avoided being in the apartment to eat knowing I’ve cooked. YET she will come in late at night when we are in bed and scoff all of it cold, she’s a very large girl obese in fact.

She completely ignored my good morning I say to her talks to her mother in usual shouting tone, the waits until I’m out of earshot says hello to me then does her usual screaming hello to me because her mother is there indicating I ignored her.

For the first time I responded and told her what I thought, she went hysterical saying to her mum she was going to apologise to me, I had to stop her assaulting her mum when she tried to stop running to her room to get away with it.

Stayed in her room until I had gone out, didn’t come home at night in the meantime messaging her aunt (who lives in London UK) saying she can’t go home because she is afraid, thankfully the aunt recommends she does go home and talk to her mother, she say’s she can’t unless she has a friend with her! She came home without a friend hid away until I was out and talked to her mother, has carried on ignoring my hellos shouting bye bye at me when leaving. Mother family live in Myanmar Chinese but grew up there so family speak in Burmese, now she know my Chinese is good enough to understand she has taken to talking in Burmese around the apartment.

I bought her some face masks her mum asked me to as a friendly gesture. I was happy to, when prompted to say thank you she said it in Burmese without looking at me, reprimanded by her mother she said she was joking and I understood the joke! Final straw in my book.

How do I deal with this without leaving.

PS: The French teacher lodger is saying she will be leaving too, will leave one happy bitch and 3 very unhappy others.

the daughter was raised like that by her mother.
cannot go back in time to change her.
like the song in Frozen…Let it go…meaning, skedaddle

1 Like

Hard to understand exactly what’s going on but it would seem that by not enforcing a reasonable standard for decorum, her mother is enabling this behavior. She’s her daughter, she’s got to put her foot down.

That aside, daughter’s clearly got a complex past and a lot of issues going on. Therapy would be a good course of action.

1 Like

You visit twice a year and stay at your girlfriend’s place?
How long do you stay?
If there is a next time, I would consider getting your own place for your stay. Now I would also look at moving out to a hotel or short stay apartment.
And I would not buy anything for the daughter let alone make her anything.

4 Likes

Try taking the Daughter out for a coffee or something. The purpose is to have a clear and honest conversation.
Be honest with her about what you are seeing, what are your plans for the family, and be open to whatever to throws at you. Ask her to tell you what’s happening, and what’s she feeling. Listen to everything without judgment.
After understanding the whole picture you will know what to do.

6 Likes

RUN!

6 Likes

The daughter lost her dad at 4. So it’s been mom and her for 15 years.

You’re an interloper. And a threat to her relationship with her mom.

If she’s threatened by the relationship, then she is trying to figure out how deal with the feelings, which are more powerful than you think.

You’re sliding into that space that was dad’s even if he’s passed on.

Mom probably should do/say something but the daughter is also an adult, so treat her like one. Like RickRoll suggested have coffee with her. Get to know her and make her see you would like to know who she is because if things continue to progress positively then she will be family.

11 Likes

Worst part is She knows that and as you say. Cannot go back in time.
My own children have been a bit of a problem so I thought I thought I could deal with it. The mother is trying but the daughter is a bully who shouts and screams until she gets it.

1 Like

In which case shouting and screaming has worked to date.

let her shout and scream until she gets tired and stops.

2 Likes

Trouble is, that should have happened years ago.

2 Likes

I could offer advice, but it would be seen as unsound and not politically correct by some. Best of luck.

FWIW I was in a similar situation, only it was her Son. You hit the nail on the head, blood is thicker than any other relationship. I didn’t really understand this until I got away from them and moved to Taiwan. Best decision I ever made.

1 Like

don’t want to leave Taiwan or my girlfriend. I’m going to need a good plan to stay without her!

Then prepare for the never ending nightmare. Sorry, but you’re making a huge mistake.

3 Likes

shes been very spoiled by the sound of it. she probably had extra spoiling from the mum and grandparents due to losing her dad. if i were you i would avoid the daughter, she isn’t going to be unspoiled any time soon, and its kind of between her and her mum anyway. theres nothing you can do about it.

This?

I agree with RickRoll… A little sit down will help no matter which way it goes.

1 Like

I did give her the talk yesterday, said what I think of her how her behaviour is unjust, rude, selfish basicly a cowardly bully.
I got the wide eye shock look, first time she has looked me in the face in 5 months.
I told her to stop shouting at her mum, stop shouting at me.
I left the room and her mother came in later.
I don’t think talk did much good, she tells her mum that she and I spoke to each other when mum was not their, complete rubbish she looks at the floor avoids me like the plague, I’ve tried a number of times to raise a conversation a grunt as reply.
Only good grace is her mum and the aunt agree she needs counselling, they both think she should move out and live in the real world, she like to tell her mum she’s a adult now. Hey won’t happen I have enough expeience with ones that age to know.
When I came here to live most my girlfriends friends told me she was a horrible person and completely ignore her, they tell me this in front of the mums face.
So decision now is to ignore her and she gets my goat tell her in same manner she likes to.

Good for you. It would be nice if she wakes up and decides to give things a chance.

Sounds like she needs a spanking that she never got from her dad.

1 Like