A friend of mine recently did a favor for his Taiwanese friend. Although the favor was not a small thing, it’s one of those things that in most (if not all) Western countries would be considered something you just do for a friend in need, not expecting anything in return.
However, at some point the Taiwanese friend’s mother pulled out a red envelope out of the pocket. He refused politely (or, at least, what he thought was polite). It turned into one of those “please take it” - “no, it’s really not necessary. thank you” - “please take it” - “no, thank you” … back and forth, back and forth.
The result was he didn’t take it.
We asked a few Taiwanese what they thought and they said everyone would have taken it. He’s now not sure he did the right thing. The Taiwanese friend understands and is not offended, but not sure the family feels the same way.
Is this a serious offence? Do you ALWAYS accept the red envelope, no matter what you think is the right thing to do, no matter what your principles are?
I’m not 100% certain on what the Asian etiquette rules are in this case. However, we are not Taiwanese, so locals-- I think-- have to expect some difference in behaviour and cultural norms. I don’t think, in today’s Taiwan, that many are really so dogmatically traditional as to take offence to a politely declined gift. So, even if it is tradition to accept a red envelope, I doubt a westerner politely refusing would be committing a serious faux pas.
I think Taiwanese etiquette is very context- and relationship-dependent. So much so that it’s really to hard to imagine a Taiwanese Emily Post.
So, yes I think you can refuse a hongbao without offending anyone as long a you are being very ‘sincere’ about the whole thing. I think the hongbao is being offered to demonstrate ‘sincerity’, so you can respond in kind.
Refusing a red envelope can be seen as a selfish thing to do. You’re supposed to refuse and accept it only when they insist. If you accept it and do not kindly refuse first, that can also be seen as selfish and greedy.
Refusing a red envelope is often perceived as intentionally avoiding the hand of friendship. Some people may get offended.
I have refused the red envelope on several occasions after doing favors.
All of those folks are still in my circle of friends - still invite me to dinner, still have drinks, etc.
One of them did get me a bottle of bourbon after I refused the hong bao.
I accpeted that. No need in being ridiculous about it.
A problem in this is the correct explanation for the youngcowboy on western etiquette vs Taiwanese etiquette.
I would explain to them that my mother would never forgive me for accepting money for favours. My family taught me that when a friend needs help you have to help them even if they can’t reward you. And when you need help you can ask your friends without worrying about what you have to do in return. Also, if you’re not expecting a reward then you don’t have to help, so when you do it proves that you truly value the friendship.
Offering the envelope is therefore a grievous insult, because it implies that you’re not a true friend!
Of course, being Chinese, they can’t be expected to know about our funny foreign ways so you’re not offended. In fact you greatly appreciate the sentiment, but respect for the teachings of your family prevents you from accepting. The spirit of your grandmother is watching over you and blah blah blah.
Creative bullshit can deal with a lot of difficult situations.
I’m betting there’s an equivalent Chinese-language forum discussion going on:
This Western friend of mine did me a really big favour - but when we offered him a hongbao he just wouldn’t accept it. I’m worried that by offering him money i’ve offended him. I’ve asked a few other Westerners and they’ve said they wouldn’t want money for a favour.
And then there’ll be a poster called ‘Comrade Churchill’ who says:
You guys just don’t understand Western culture
[quote=“david”]I’m betting there’s an equivalent Chinese-language forum discussion going on:
This Western friend of mine did me a really big favour - but when we offered him a hongbao he just wouldn’t accept it. I’m worried that by offering him money I’ve offended him. I’ve asked a few other Westerners and they’ve said they wouldn’t want money for a favour.[/quote]
Exactly!
Actually, I use this reversal all the time when I fall into the trap of making generalizations or jumping to conclusions based on cultural differences. I ask myself “what would the Taiwanese say about me/us if the situation were reversed?”
It works wonderfully almost every time
well, you should’t be touching because its dangerous if you touch it that means you are doing soul wedding with dead man or woman (depends on your gender)
so if you see red envelope in taiwan don’t touch it
