I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now. We love each other, get on, share things in common - some that would be very hard to find in another. Generally things are good.
There’s just one fly in the ointment. Sex. She’s not exactly conservative, though probably more than me. It’s mostly that it has become too regular and not frequent enough - more often than not, once a week, at the weekend. Relatively predictably. If I play my cards right at the weekend, I get it. I know that if I try to initiate it during the week, most likely, I’ll get knocked back with “I want to sleep”. She doesn’t mean it to sound like a personal rejection, but after enough times, that’s how it feels.
This would be less of a problem if she was willing to initiate it when she wants it - I could accept that I’m not going to get it quite as often as I’d ideally like (like most guys?) and wait for her to come on to me.
Early on, I told her what a turn on it would be for her to initiate things. I’ve mentioned it a few times since. She has said she’ll try but in two years, the best I’ve got is her asking for a massage - which usually but not always leads to sex.
So I end up feeling like I’m bothering her for sex. Which makes me feel bad both because I don’t want to hassle her and because it feels like she either wants to make me work very hard for it or that she does it out of duty.
Every morning when she leaves for work, she says nice things about me, and kisses me passionately/lovingly. This is 100% genuine. She is loving, caring, tactile, active etc, except quite often, when I come on to her in bed.
Of course we had our honeymoon period. A good and long one. I first noticed this problem about 9 months ago and put it down to her being overworked at the time. Unfortunately, not much changed when she left the job and took on a part time job.
I’ve tried lying back and waiting for her to come to me. Unfortunately, I don’t feel strong willed enough to wait several weeks. After one week, it would feel contrived and bloody minded to pretend I didn’t want it, when I knew that she probably did but only if I started it. It feels deceptive or conniving to try to starve her into intitiating things.
Of course, I’ve also tried talking but she says it’s not in her nature to talk about sex or to start it. Having had the discussion several times (I want to talk about it, she doesn’t), I’m loathed to “hassle” her. But there is clearly a problem, and other than addressing it head on, I don’t know how to deal with it.
It was our second anniversary recently. Without taking her for granted, I thought that would be one night where one thing would naturally lead to another. She didn’t seem too bothered by the whole anniversary thing and though we got there in the end (in pretty good form, eventually), I felt like she would just as happily have gone to sleep.
Sometimes, if she pushes me away too much or at the wrong time, I look a little upset. I may be a little oversensitve in general but it bothers me that she never experiences what it’s like to be repetitively spurned.
I’m scared (and I think she is too), that this problem and the lack (or failure) of communication about it will ruin an otherwise great relationship. So, any advice either about cultural considerations (I am aware of these) or general male/female issues, much appreciated.
) and were squared. 