Situationship with no physical intimacy

[wigcat]

So I(Taiwanese woman in my 30s) met this guy(expat in his 40s) on Tinder two or three years ago, back then when I just finished a super, super long relationship and can’t be happier to jump back to the open water and enjoy some no-strings fun. We hit it off immediately and have casually hung out for a pleasant six months. Things were light-hearted and passionate.

Then came the pandemic, we both stuck somewhere else and only reunited again earlier this year. We were happy to see each other and spend lots of time together, we go out, meeting each other’s friends, staying home watch movies and he’d cook dinner.

We didn’t talk about being in a relationship, though we are pretty much doing the couple’s thing. Problem is, he stops wanting sex. I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom. I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

I understand that he could be under stress but I appreciate physical intimacy. We never talked about our feelings toward each other. I thought we need to talk but I do not completely know what should be my approach. I do like him but I guess you can’t force people to have sex with you(no, you can’t, it’s a crime!). Any suggestions about how could I handle this conversation which I’m reluctant to have?

[Marco]

@wigcat

but I guess you can’t force people to have sex with you

No. But you don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you happy either.

[jdsmith]

@wigcat

I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom. I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

I’d ask him if he’s seeing someone else.

[crusher]

@jdsmith

@wigcat

I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom. I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

I’d ask him if he’s seeing someone else.

Brutal, but yeah could be. On the other hand he might have got really out of shape in the lock down , his T levels have dropped and he cannot get it up.
The lady could buy him some Cialis as a hint ?

[jdsmith]

He or she or they both could also being boring without the shex.

[crusher]

@jdsmith

He or she or they both could also being boring without the shex.

Maybe the lady needs to open up that tinder again , but first perhaps ask him if he minds someone else filling in while he takes a break?

[DrewC]

Guys never turn down sex with an attractive partner unless they (a) have a side piece (aka another woman) or (b) he has performance issues (aka he can’t get it up). Stress could cause (b), but my money is on (a) he probably found someone else. It’s very rare it’s the woman who wants sex, and it’s the guy who continually turns it down unless something is going on…

[crusher]

@wigcat

So I(Taiwanese woman in my 30s) met this guy(expat in his 40s) on Tinder two or three years ago, back then when I just finished a super, super long relationship and can’t be happier to jump back to the open water and enjoy some no-strings fun. We hit it off immediately and have casually hung out for a pleasant six months. Things were light-hearted and passionate.

Then came the pandemic, we both stuck somewhere else and only reunited again earlier this year. We were happy to see each other and spend lots of time together, we go out, meeting each other’s friends, staying home watch movies and he’d cook dinner.

We didn’t talk about being in a relationship, though we are pretty much doing the couple’s thing. Problem is, he stops wanting sex. I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom. I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

I understand that he could be under stress but I appreciate physical intimacy. We never talked about our feelings toward each other. I thought we need to talk but I do not completely know what should be my approach. I do like him but I guess you can’t force people to have sex with you(no, you can’t, it’s a crime!). Any suggestions about how could I handle this conversation which I’m reluctant to have?

Wigcat will be trying to peak at his phone now , or asking “Who was that?” after a phone call.
Stress can definitely affect performance , but I would edge towards the side chick theory. @wigcat Ask him "what’s up? " Why not ask ?

[Marco]

@DrewC

Guys never turn down sex with an attractive partner

You sir have not watched Married With Children

[crusher]

@Marco

You sir have not watched Married With Children

I am finding mothers very attractive at present most are 20 years younger than me LOL

[DrewC]

@Marco

You sir have not watched Married With Children

I always thought Al was crazy. Peg was hot!

[jdsmith]

But very very annoying. It’s a boner killer.

[Darkesontr]

@wigcat

Problem is, he stops wanting sex. I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom.

It’s not clear - did you used to have sex frequently before the pandemic, and it’s died down now you’re reunited?

@wigcat

I understand that he could be under stress but I appreciate physical intimacy.

Do you still hug, kiss, and sleep together?

@DrewC

Guys never turn down sex with an attractive partner unless they (a) have a side piece (aka another woman) or (b) he has performance issues (aka he can’t get it up).

Not the only two reasons. He could have become depressed or have developed a porn habit during lockdown.

[DrewC]

@Darkesontr

He could have become depressed or have developed a porn habit during lockdown.

True. It is a weird modern phenomenon that some single guys prefer masturbating to porn over having sex with actual human beings. Maybe it’s because porn caters to whatever kink they have, and there’s no emotional commitment involved.

[TT]

i, for one, can only eat so much chicken before i lose my appetite

[dan2006]

And porn requires no effort so eventually the guy starts to prefer it over the real thing since it is easier and on demand. That’s why porn addiction is so damaging and most don’t realize it. And then once the guy is done he has no energy or desire to chase the real thing

[keoni]

@wigcat

So I(Taiwanese woman in my 30s) met this guy(expat in his 40s) on Tinder two or three years ago, back then when I just finished a super, super long relationship and can’t be happier to jump back to the open water and enjoy some no-strings fun.

So you were looking for a rebound fling. And he was probably also using Tinder for hookups. Do both of you still have Tinder installed?

@wigcat

We didn’t talk about being in a relationship, though we are pretty much doing the couple’s thing. Problem is, he stops wanting sex. I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom.

If you didn’t talk about exclusivity, you can’t expect it (especially if he still has Tinder or another dating app installed).

@wigcat

I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

Sounds like an excuse. Is he willing to share more about what he’s worried about? Or does he just say that to change the subject?

@wigcat

We never talked about our feelings toward each other. I thought we need to talk but I do not completely know what should be my approach.

He may enjoy “hanging out” with you, but he may not have feelings for you. Maybe ask yourself first if he is somebody you want to be in a committed relationship with.

[PeiHua-Connie]

@crusher

@jdsmith

@wigcat

I’d stayed at his two or three nights a week and we had sex once in two months. We are both attractive people and used to doing great in the bedroom. I mentioned the lack of sex and he says it’s because he’s worried about work and parents in Europe.

I’d ask him if he’s seeing someone else.

Brutal, but yeah could be. On the other hand he might have got really out of shape in the lock down , his T levels have dropped and he cannot get it up.
The lady could buy him some Cialis as a hint ?

humm, does a man get out of shape this way? I do think though if man thinks he can not meet your needs, he will avoid the topic or the action.

[keoni]

@PeiHua-Connie

humm, does a man get out of shape this way?

Will Smith Proudly Flaunts His Lockdown Body | NewsMo

[Capnhappy]

As others have mentioned, it could be he has someone else or there’s a “performance” issue.

@keoni

He may enjoy “hanging out” with you, but he may not have feelings for you.

Adding a bit to what Keoni wrote, my experience is somewhat similar. If he’s lost interest in having a relationship with an emotional investment with you (and you do want that), then he might prefer to just not have sex with you. I think this “emotional misalignment” could cause a man to stop being interested in someone.