I am struggling with strong depression, and I feel very much alone.
I don’t know if the depression is driving a wedge but lately, not sure if it’s due to the reduced social opportunities due to COVID-19, I am feeling incredibly helpless, powerless, worthless, and ignored by everyone around me.
I have not a lot of friends, and the few that I do have are just busy, busy, and busy. Can we spend some time together? Sorry busy now will tell you if I have time. Months later, busy, don’t have time, etc… Cycle continues and I’m developing trust issues, that everyone around me must have found glaring flaws but will not tell me however are secretly telling others to avoid me.
Being very short on cash, not even able to afford rent (which is actually not very expensive at all), because I am getting almost no business, isn’t helping because I feel like I am surrounded by people who makes several times more than I could possibly dream of making, but they will not lift a finger to help (or even just give me stuff to do so I don’t feel like I’m mooching off of anyone).
At night, especially after 10pm, it gets worse. What’s worse is people are often asleep at that time so if I cry for help no one will hear you scream in space. I can’t sleep, in fact I need medication to sleep because otherwise, I will stay up the entire night. I have been taking Luxipro but the drugs are doing absolutely nothing to help. I can think of a few drugs that will help but unfortunately they are illegal.
Life is beginning to feel like a grind, just more and more hopeless the older I am. At least in video games like Final Fantasy there are definite rewards to grinding, but in real life it feels like you grind to level 40, and then someone comes along and like the snap of Thanos resets you to level 1 with no items. Except now you have less time to regain all that level but Thanos will come back again should you manage to make level 40, and snap and reset you to level 1. Every week becomes a fight for survival against forces which I am powerless to fight, but the friends around me refuse to even lift a finger. They won’t even spend time with me because their family time is far more important. To them I am an interloper who is to be ignored at all costs.
I have a thought that all some cult has to do is friend bomb me and I will join any cult no matter how evil or draining they are.
I am beginning to believe that we don’t go to hell for not accepting Christ as our lord and savior, or being bad, or whatever religion says happen to bad people. I believe we are in hell. This world is hell. Everyone exists solely for the purpose of inflicting misery upon as many people as they can. Everyone will kill, murder, lie, cheat one another so they can have a ton of money that does nothing for them. The world is like one big prison yard where God does not exist, where the Holy Spirit is spurned. Only the strong survive and the duty of the strong is to kill the weak, make their existence as painful as possible, and everyone else will look at them and say it was their fault that they were weak and exploited. There is no heaven on Earth, Earth is hell. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. You are in the MRT tunnel in the blue line and a train is coming and will crush you into nothing.
I am tired of living… some days I just hope I will get run over by a Food Panda driver rushing to deliver their junk food, or a bus driver who believes they are a NASCAR driver, or a taxi driver who just likes to ignore traffic rules. It will hurt, but it will be over, it will be final. No more trying to scrounge up 10,000 nt a month to pay rent, no more pressure of parents constantly asking why am I not making a ton of money. No more friends who claim to be friends but will not lift a finger to help me, or even spend more than 5 minutes a week to be with me. Especially Christians. They say they love God but have not God in their hearts. They will sit there and talk about Bible wisdom but it’s too much work to take care of his sheep. I hope God say to them “I never knew you, ye workers of inequity”. And if I come up with 10,000 nt this month? What does it do? I have to come up with another next month, and the month after, and it will never end.
I hope COVID-19 will claim me soon… maybe I should find a way for it to… don’t bother wasting a ventilator on me… just give me a fatal dose of Sodium penethol… and let me go.