Let me let you in on a little secret that the younger set do not know. Your parents are looking after your interests even if their views are askew and their vision faulty.
And they do not hold absolute power. In fact YOU do. Because they will get old and frail. Time is on YOUR side.
They are not your enemy. Your enemy is your own partner. Be sure he/she is friend rather then foe for he/she holds far more sway over how your days are spent and going to be spent, then your parents. The older you get the older THEY get and the less their power.
Unless of course they got all the money, then all bets may be off
I’m with Bubba. Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair, stand up for you and let them know they can’t treat you like shit. If he can’t do that, then it’s only going to get worse and you may need to move on. They need you guys more you need them. Do you know what’s the worst thing for old people? Being alone. The only way they can hold anything over your boyfriend is with money. If they’ve got lots of money/property and he wants to get a piece one day, then like Tommy said, all bets are off.
Tommy has a point here.
A Taiwanese friend explained to me that the tradition is to protect the family’s wealth.
The parents are looking for someone that they can trust in their old age to make the financial decisions so that the wealth stays with the family.
Marrying into the family, one has to prove their loyalty to the family to preserve the family’s wealth.
Traditional Asian parents don’t trust the Western marriages since over half ends up in divorce with some of the wealth leaving the family.
The parents want to control everything. It’s up to the bf to take control of his life, but many Taiwanese just want to inherit property and money and are not strong enough to run their own life.
If he won’t take control of his own life he is not the right partner for you, period.
It’s disheartening to observe such spiteful, racist, backwards behavior from the potential in-laws (in the absence of any insight into “their side” of the story). I doubt their attitudes will ever change, and I have know more than a few pig-headed individuals (from a variety of cultures, to be fair).
My advice (to be taken with a grain or two of salt), is that if you both have the will and wherewithal to leave the country, live independently, and essentially ignore your bf’s parents, then this is the best chance for saving your relationship. Staying in Taiwan and allowing the in-laws to maintain any influence on their son will lead to nothing positive. If you truly love him and cannot live without him, do whatever needs to be done. Others have done so, although not without sacrifice.
In the end, the issue is about living with and growing old with the one you love. If the in-laws are standing in the way, remove them from the equation. I wish you both the best!
I was in a similar situation with a girl from the south that i came to Taiwan for. We met and lived abroad, and then I moved here for her. Things changed a lot when she came back. She changed a lot. We were together 6 years. Everything i did was never good enough for the family, who was boring as hell and dysfunctional. They were blue, rich, and budhist, so not the easiest to deal with.
Ultimately i understood she would not put me first in her life, in front of her family, when i had given up everything for her. So we ended it, peacefully.
In my current relationship, I’m luckier. She has stood up to her parents, actively disagreeing with them. I have encouraged her, sometime even pushed her in that direction. She has turned out happy with it, and the results for me are pretty good. She wants to spend time abroad.
I’m no longer easy going with older Taiwanese people. It’s only a one way relationship the way they see it. I’m polite and do my best to give them face and social status signs that make them feel safer, but I insist standing on my limits when they go too far (which they often do). I no longer accept special reasons, special cases, and excuses like I did for so long in Tainan. In my opinion old people in Taiwan are often capricious and irresponsible, pretending what they do is about respect, tradition, and humility.
If you ask around, you’ll find insane stories of morale abuse between older and newer generation, in-laws and bride/groom in Taiwan. Be careful not to be the next one.
[quote=“Ed en Vadrouille”]I was in a similar situation with a girl from the south that i came to Taiwan for. We met and lived abroad, and then I moved here for her. Things changed a lot when she came back. She changed a lot. We were together 6 years. Everything i did was never good enough for the family, who was boring as hell and dysfunctional. They were blue, rich, and budhist, so not the easiest to deal with.
Ultimately i understood she would not put me first in her life, in front of her family, when I had given up everything for her. So we ended it, peacefully.
In my current relationship, I’m luckier. She has stood up to her parents, actively disagreeing with them. I have encouraged her, sometime even pushed her in that direction. She has turned out happy with it, and the results for me are pretty good. She wants to spend time abroad.
I’m no longer easy going with older Taiwanese people. It’s only a one way relationship the way they see it. I’m polite and do my best to give them face and social status signs that make them feel safer, but I insist standing on my limits when they go too far (which they often do). I no longer accept special reasons, special cases, and excuses like I did for so long in Tainan. In my opinion old people in Taiwan are often capricious and irresponsible, pretending what they do is about respect, tradition, and humility.
If you ask around, you’ll find insane stories of morale abuse between older and newer generation, in-laws and bride/groom in Taiwan. Be careful not to be the next one.[/quote]
Quite often true. Happy you found a girl that stood by you.
The missing part of your equation is what Ed also discovered, i.e. a woman who stands her ground and appreciates you for being a man.
[quote=“JoLoves07”]I’m a Korean girl dating a Taiwanese guy for 3 years. His parents only met me once and they have decided that they do not like me because I’m not Taiwanese! They are very mean to me. THey do not want to meet me or want anything to do with me. THey don’t even know me! My boyfriend and I have struggled with this…we were planning to get married in 2 years but it’s been very stressful. And now he’s not sure what he wants to do…he feels it wont work out in the future because of all the difficult situations. He doesn’t live at home so it’s hard for me to see his parents or even try to get to know them! I’ve tried everything! I buy them gifts on holidays and you know what they do?! THey accept it…eat the cakes, drink the teas…and then they’re rude about me! They haven’t been rude necessarily to my face except a nasty note they left on my car!! But other than that they just talk about me and recently they didn’t show up to a huge family event JUST because I went!
Please help me! I need some advice and suggestions! How do I get them to know me? WHat do I do? Or do I just give up? Are Taiwanese parents this mean usually? And stubborn?
My friends have all been with Taiwanese guys and not 1 of them have had a problem! I feel so unlucky to have met a family who is narrow-minded and ridiculous!
Help![/quote]
Taiwanese in-laws can be quite mean…
It is actually a good thing that you are not living with them. My wife literally snapped after a few months of living with my mom. She wanted to end our relationship/marriage and just go back to Korea. At the time, we have been married for 4 years. I pleaded with her to stay, and essentially told my mother that she was jeopardizing my marriage. I told her what she was doing, how she was influencing my brothers in regards to my wife and I, are wrong. I told her that she was being super mean, exactly like how my grandmother was like to her…
It has been about 2 years, and I rarely talk to my mother, and even rarer to my brothers who reside in the States. But my wife and I are happier. And that is what matters right now.
You should really try to join in on any local Korean social groups / church / etc. It would be good for you and your husband to interact with other couples and families who have been through it all ; is going through this non-sense right now. Honestly, it really helped us.
[quote=“ksidnas”][quote=“JoLoves07”]I’m a Korean girl dating a Taiwanese guy for 3 years. His parents only met me once and they have decided that they do not like me because I’m not Taiwanese! They are very mean to me. THey do not want to meet me or want anything to do with me. THey don’t even know me! My boyfriend and I have struggled with this…we were planning to get married in 2 years but it’s been very stressful. And now he’s not sure what he wants to do…he feels it wont work out in the future because of all the difficult situations. He doesn’t live at home so it’s hard for me to see his parents or even try to get to know them! I’ve tried everything! I buy them gifts on holidays and you know what they do?! THey accept it…eat the cakes, drink the teas…and then they’re rude about me! They haven’t been rude necessarily to my face except a nasty note they left on my car!! But other than that they just talk about me and recently they didn’t show up to a huge family event JUST because I went!
Please help me! I need some advice and suggestions! How do I get them to know me? WHat do I do? Or do I just give up? Are Taiwanese parents this mean usually? And stubborn?
My friends have all been with Taiwanese guys and not 1 of them have had a problem! I feel so unlucky to have met a family who is narrow-minded and ridiculous!
Help![/quote]
Taiwanese in-laws can be quite mean…
It is actually a good thing that you are not living with them. My wife literally snapped after a few months of living with my mom. She wanted to end our relationship/marriage and just go back to Korea. At the time, we have been married for 4 years. I pleaded with her to stay, and essentially told my mother that she was jeopardizing my marriage. I told her what she was doing, how she was influencing my brothers in regards to my wife and I, are wrong. I told her that she was being super mean, exactly like how my grandmother was like to her…
It has been about 2 years, and I rarely talk to my mother, and even rarer to my brothers who reside in the States. [color=#FF0000]But my wife and I are happier.[/color] And that is what matters right now.
You should really try to join in on any local Korean social groups / church / etc. It would be good for you and your husband to interact with other couples and families who have been through it all ; is going through this non-sense right now. Honestly, it really helped us.
Good Luck[/quote]
That, my friend, is because you are a man with a backbone! I bow to you! :bravo:
[quote=“JoLoves07”]I’m a Korean girl dating a Taiwanese guy for 3 years. His parents only met me once and they have decided that they do not like me because I’m not Taiwanese! They are very mean to me. THey do not want to meet me or want anything to do with me. THey don’t even know me! My boyfriend and I have struggled with this…we were planning to get married in 2 years but it’s been very stressful. And now he’s not sure what he wants to do…he feels it wont work out in the future because of all the difficult situations. He doesn’t live at home so it’s hard for me to see his parents or even try to get to know them! I’ve tried everything! I buy them gifts on holidays and you know what they do?! THey accept it…eat the cakes, drink the teas…and then they’re rude about me! They haven’t been rude necessarily to my face except a nasty note they left on my car!! But other than that they just talk about me and recently they didn’t show up to a huge family event JUST because I went!
Please help me! I need some advice and suggestions! How do I get them to know me? WHat do I do? Or do I just give up? Are Taiwanese parents this mean usually? And stubborn?
My friends have all been with Taiwanese guys and not 1 of them have had a problem! I feel so unlucky to have met a family who is narrow-minded and ridiculous!
Help![/quote]
My father dislikes Korean as well because they are so rude not as polite as Japanese culture. Yet, if you say how to make a Taiwanese family to like their daughter in law is also a difficult task to Taiwanese girls not only to foreigners, especially, you cannot bring a son to your husband’s family that is called tradition. I suppose they just want you can breed a son for their family might change their attitude to you not because of your nation, but the reason of outsider made by law, thereby some Taiwanese girls will require their husband not to live with their parents if they have money to buy their own house to live.
[quote=“formosaobama”][quote=“JoLoves07”]And now he’s not sure what he wants to do…he feels it wont work out in the future because of all the difficult situations.[…]
My friends have all been with Taiwanese guys and not 1 of them have had a problem! I feel so unlucky to have met a family who is narrow-minded and ridiculous!
Help![/quote]
You seem like you’re willing to bend over backwards for this to work, but the bf does not.
Did his parents actually indicate they don’t like you because of your nationality? It could be a whole lot of other reasons…maybe they think you’re too old to bear them grandchildren, maybe they think your face has bad fongshui, maybe they’re afraid you’ll take their precious boy to Korea and they’ll never see him again, maybe they assume you eat kimchee all day and your body is too “hot,” could be anything.
So, if possible, try to find out exactly what they think it is about you that they find objectionable. If they’re truly of the traditional, shame-based mindset, they may be incapable of expressing a direct and honest answer.
Most likely, though, is they don’t like you for some stupid, illogical reason that you’ll never be able to rectify.
BTW, is he the oldest son?[/quote]
My grandmother didn’t like my mother until her death because my mother didn’t breed any son to her and all are daughters. I think it is just time you need to treat her well or flatter old people to let her understand you are so nice to her as a good girl is not relating to your nation completely but it is because you are not her real daughter from outside. Anyway, God bless you. This case happens a lot to Taiwanese girls.
Some Taiwanese males will listen to his parents to break up with his girlfriend and this kind of males whom so many Taiwanese girls dislike. Always his mother first I don’t like because he cannot protect me just want me to marry his mother although I know young people should respect old people.
I think if i ever have kids i will impress upon them that their mate is going to be their choice. It will probably be hard if/when the daughter brings home some person im not fond of. But i suppose that happens often.
Probably most dads are not super happy with their daughters choice of boyfriend and/or husband. And most moms want to choose their sons mate.
Thats why a lot of taiwanese girls will either:
keep your relationship TOP SECRET if she feels her parents wont accept you
bring you in front of her parents very soon after you meet so she can introduce you as just a friend she met at … or … And seeing if the parents will give her the “ok”.
Iv had both of above happen.
In the second instance, the parents will likely mention the so and so she met at … or … and say something like “hey he’s nice , why dont you see if he likes you?” Or , "good thing you guys are just friends because that guy that visited our house? He’s …and…and i think hes … He would not be good enough for you.
Then the TW girl can either dump you fast before she gets involved with you or know that the road ahead is a tough one. Shes then going to stress out and put the bitch on you everything she stresses about this.
First thing i did when i arrived Taiwan was painting my in law’s apartment . Second thing was fixing a boiler in their old house . After that i have no problem with them .
