did you imagine how it would be to do as a foreigner spouse in Taiwan, before you suggested it?
Chase your dreams not others’ dreams.
If your dream now is to finish your master and develop your career, go for it. Have a baby now will take at least 2 years of devoting your time for the newborn. And as everybody else stated here, forget about your MIL, try to talk with your husband for one last time, if he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, go live your life, he doesn’t deserve you.
I was happily married, and after 5 years I divorced, my ex-MIL also asked for a baby, but they respected our decision about “it is not the right time”, and in the end back on those days, we made the right decision.
Hope you feel well.
They want the baby more than her. That is the message. And they will try and keep it as theirs not hers.
Notice…They…Not Him. You will be at disadvantage as the whole family will work to keep the baby as theirs if you split.
What the fjck right has any MIL to ask for a baby !
Or what happens when it’s a girl? They’ll want another try right away.
Dear OP, everyone means well, but please don’t get your advice from a forum. If you want to vent, go right ahead, but nobody knows all the intricacies of what’s going on in your situation. Trust your gut. Ask close friends. Get away from this forum!
And where should she as a foreigner get advice from then?
A woman isn’t a baby factory she can do what she wants. And I’m a man saying this.
Got somewhere else and take time away from this marriage, even if it is just for 2-4 wks, evaluate are you better off/happier being married or unmarried?
While you may ‘love’ your husband if there are 3 in the relationship you, him and the MIL then it will always been 2 against 1 and you’ll usually be the 1. Time to leave of he can not side with you, see the sense of you finishing the Masters first.
I have over the years called my brother, my friend in Korea, even my mom. I now have people I can talk to here in Taiwan. I agree with the baby factory statement. But divorce? Run and don’t look back?
My advice is to run from this forum, OP!
It seems OP doesn’t have a clue where she can get advice in person.
Divorce or not, her human rights and legal rights, including financial matters, which her family and friends in her country most probably don’t have much clues as well. we could give her some advice where she can contact, when she needs those information.
Normally I would say the same, but it seems OP’s problem is pretty straight forward.
I second this.
@Hana, you need to discuss you thoughts and plans with your husband, in a clear way and safe environment. Perhaps he doesn’t even know that this is really bothering you, or he thinks that ignoring the issue will make it disappear. You will have to show him that his and his mom’s actions are not okay, and that you have a voice too.
Tell him that this isn’t working and you both need to listen to each other if you guys want this relationship to succeed. Bringing a baby now is not a good time, not only because you are not ready for it, but also because you don’t feel respected. If they don’t respect you in the decisions over your own life, will things be different when is about the baby?
Proposing marriage counseling will not only show that you are serious on this, but also provide you a safe place and time to be honest to each other.
Friends and family see you at your best, because you are happy to see them. This skews their perception of the situation you may find yourself in, and so their advice is also skewed toward optimism, leaving the potentially suicidal individual unintentionally isolated.
To the O.P.
Come up with a plan for being single and finishing degree.
Look up betterhelp.com , you might find help at the community services center in Tianmu, but it’s pricey
Take a long look at your ratio of expectations to awareness, for example, in the last few years you expected to have a living relationship and finish your degree. You are now aware that your hopes / goals are not shared or being respected. Things can get much worse, this from personal experience.
Edit: if their is a cultural difference, trust that yours will be heavily diluted/rejected. If your current situation is bad, imagine being relegated to the status of unpaid au pair. This sounds horrible, and it is, but it’s just another way that inter-cultural marriages can go wrong.
Note, I am writing this with a mild expectation of some abuse in spouse’s background. If any exists, leave.
If not, and this is just tone-deaf culture exchange gone wrong, counseling may be a path, but it’s going to need to emphasize his awareness and respect for your hopes/dreams. This is going to take more than just therapy, it will require education.
(That said, if your hopes/dreams lead to a nice salary, that helps; you need to be straight with yourself too!)
Good luck, you are not the first one to go through a situation like this, so please no ‘permanent solutions to temporary problems’ , ok?
Break up already. Sorry to say this. I was going to suggest to just avoid talking to his family but if he shouts at you and makes you cry everyday, there’s only one solution. Unless you are starting the fights or pushing him to the limit so he just explodes, in which case maybe you should change your attitude too. But sounds like you have to break up now, or give it some time.
I don’t start fights sometimes he get on my nerves i have to work on weekends and return home so late but He has holiday on weekends. I get so much tired and just wanna sleep but he demands me to massage his leg because his leg was hurt But i said no i will massage tomorrow because was so tired and he got angry saying I didn’t massage his leg and start shouting so i gave in and i said i will massage his leg but he got more angry and said no need . I don’t know what to do so i went to sleep crying. And morning i went to work as nth happened. My marriage life is taking so much from me I barely can focus on anything.
My husband is Taiwanese.
The answer is clear already, OP is just looking for validation .
I am just trying to find reason to stay with my husband i love him a lot. But i know for him it’s not. I thought if i keep on trying someday he might change someday he will love me back as much as i do to him. I fought with my parents to be with him and now even if i wanna go back to my country how to face mom and dad. Always battling this things. I seek advice from teacher but she said first years of marriage will be hard and it’s duty of wife to teach husband but if he ain’t willing to listen me and always listen to his mom . What should i do ? He tells everything to his mom about us . I gave up hope on us. Idk what will happen but i will try my best but don’t know until when!
Another mammys boy doing what’s he told , does he shout at his mom…Guess not.
Marriage is more than about love but respect and compatibility and having shared goals is extremely important .
It doesn’t seem you are at the top of this marriage but at the bottom from their expectation , they are typically selfish type local families especially the senior generation . You already moved to this foreign land for the husband , fighting your family , leaving your homeland and still not enough.
And why is what 'they want ’ not what ‘you’ or ‘you and him’ want…Your baby is not your MILs!!
Your MIL had her baby already it’s none of her business what your plans are.
Having and raising a baby, your baby, is is even more a practical consideration than all of those.
(I am married a long time here to local spouse , we have arguments sometimes but in the end the parents in law do not get a say in what are doing…End of ).
Have you brought up the possibility of divorce? Maybe he isn’t aware of your level of dissatisfaction. You may need to let him know what the stakes are.