Tommy's story

Life Dating & Relationships
21

WEll if you must know, this is a first for me. And i had to think long and hard if I wanted to do this. Since you two seem so interested in this particular situation, i feel it only fair to give you more details.

I have said this before in another thread, but i cant remember where, otherwise I can cut and paste.

Lets take a look at this particular situ shall we?

I met her online at least five years ago. Met up a few times a week , chit chat, get to know each other. Thru the years, never asked by her for any money.

She had her boyfriends and I had my gf.

Then we both lost our respective S>O> and the discussion went to “how about us - you and me” . I thought bout it and thought it worth looking into.

She laid out her thoughts and me mine. We decided to plan on meeting and carrying this idea further.

I had planned on bringing her over on a tourist visa to let us know each other for 3 months (only allowed to stay max 90 days on each tourist visit to the USA).

Thought after 3 months we could fly over to vancouver and fly back for another three months.

But Indonesia is not a country favored by Uncle Sam. ITs very very hard to get a tourist visa for Indo citizens to the USA, unless they are wealthy denizens.

So that was out. Plans were made to meet up in jakarta instead.

In the meantime, she let on that shes short a bit of cash to pay her tuition (six months term). She asked if it would be ok to ask that i help her?

I thought bout it long and hard, because at that stage i had not actually met her. And i am loathe to hand over money to people that i didnt know.

But i took the chance and gave her something modest towards her tuition. It wasnt the whole amount but what she was short.

She emailed a receipt for her tuition showing me she actually paid X dollars and it wasnt a lie.

Before we actually met some six months later, when i finally arrived in Jakarta for a short visit, I may have given her another few hundred dollars. NOthing much really.

After i met her and went to her room where she was living and understanding what her needs were and what her income was. I decided that :

she needed a much nicer place to stay.
she needed to get off riding motorcycle taxis and take real taxis, i forbid her to take moto taxis again, due to the very real danger to health that is.
she needed help with her tuition.

Her income is simply not enough to pay for taxis everywhere she goes (to work, to school, to the mall, etc). But its my insistance that she ride taxis. Public transport simply does not work well in Jakarta , unlike Taipei.

I also felt that she shouldnt be just eating from food stalls and buying some biscuits to eat at home as dinner.

I wanted her to be able to eat what she liked for lunch and dinner. Therefore i set up a meals budget for her.

I took care of her tuition, her rent, her transport and her food needs.

OF course i also took care of her toiletries, and an occasional piece of clothing. One piece of clothing or pair of shoes a month is not excessive for a pretty and young lady.

I bought her a tv, and brought a camera and a preowned netbook with me to jkt for her to use. And bought her a blackberry to email and chat with me. I paid for her to get a few teeth filled (cavities). And i gave her a birthday trip to singapore with her sister.

All very reasonable in my view.

I also paid off her credit cards to get her out of debt as credit cards in indonesia carry a 48pct per annum charge (extremely high in my view).

Since we made the commitment to marry she became my concern. Her debts became mine and her upkeep became my responsibility.

She has done everything she can and provided all the needed info and signatures to apply for our fiancee visa and has been nothing but 100pct sincere. There is no reason to not provide for her. IF her visa comes through and she decides she does not want to come to America, then our relationship will have a major adjustment adn no more funds will be due her. But that is not the case at this stage nor was there ever any expression of not wanting to go through with this.

She puts in 100pct of her monthly salary towards her expenses and i take care of the shortfall.

im very pleased she gives me a daily report of her daily expenses and happy she has a nice work and play week.

She works long hours at a cargo forwarding company and goes to school on weekends. And finds an afternoon to see a movie with her best buds.

All the time keeping in close contact with me.

im pleased with her and see no reason to not support her and make sure she is happy and well. While we wait for her to come over and be with me.

And you guys are nothing but cynical. To me shes worth the bet.

And like i said, even if it doesnt work out later on, its still fine. I feel good to help someone who i adore.

thats enough justification for me.

22

How old is she?

And - how old are you?

23

Wow. So much going on in that reply of yours. Just so much fascinating stuff.Thanks for sharing.

24

yeah since you want to form opinions, may as well be informed.

tommy signing out, its 122am here and i have to work tomo

(im older , shes younger by a large margin)

25

[quote=“tommy525”]yeah since you want to form opinions, may as well be informed.

tommy signing out, its 122am here and I have to work tomo

(im older , shes younger by a large margin)[/quote]

I realize that.

26

We are talking Jay and Gloria in Modern Family. :laughing:

As long as they both know what they are doing… and Tommy is not gonna get his heart broken… then all the best to them and their un-conventional situation.

27

I am entirely of the opinion that if every man was to be castrated - meaning he only thought with one head - then he would always, 100% of the time, invariably, without fail, consistently make logical, rational and sensible decisions. But alas, it is not to be. Women reading this know exactly what I mean. It never ceases to amaze me how many men think they can jump from 17 storey buildings and survive or at least not get badly hurt.

28

shes hot and im way better looking then that guy :slight_smile: and no where as old

29

I just love the casual cruelty of the snide remarks, it warms my heart. :no-no:

Tommy, I haven’t been here that long but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mean post from you, enjoy your love regardless of outcome.

1 Like
30

Whereas we have known the guy 6 years. We, if you can believe it, actually care about his situation, though it may seem like cruelty. If I didn’t care, believe me, I would say nothing.
Analogy: You order a million swans, one by one. Every one which arrives is white. So you start to think all swans must be white. Maybe tommy has ordered a swan and it will turn out to be black. If he has, super. If he hasn’t, at least someone has said to him, “You do realise almost all swans are white?”

Tough love is still love.

1 Like
31

Whereas we have known the guy 6 years. We, if you can believe it, actually care about his situation, though it may seem like cruelty. If I didn’t care, believe me, I would say nothing.
Analogy: You order a million swans, one by one. Every one which arrives is white. So you start to think all swans must be white. Maybe tommy has ordered a swan and it will turn out to be black. If he has, super. If he hasn’t, at least someone has said to him, “You do realise almost all swans are white?”

Tough love is still love.[/quote]

Generally when I care about people and want to help them I speak to them frankly and with some respect… How are the results going from the way you’re doing it in this thread?

32

Whereas we have known the guy 6 years. We, if you can believe it, actually care about his situation, though it may seem like cruelty. If I didn’t care, believe me, I would say nothing.
Analogy: You order a million swans, one by one. Every one which arrives is white. So you start to think all swans must be white. Maybe tommy has ordered a swan and it will turn out to be black. If he has, super. If he hasn’t, at least someone has said to him, “You do realise almost all swans are white?”

Tough love is still love.[/quote]

Generally when I care about people and want to help them I speak to them frankly and with some respect… How are the results going from the way you’re doing it in this thread?[/quote]

Tell me which of my sentences you feel are disrespectful, bearing in mind you have admittedly little conception of the dynamic which exists between tommy and others, or the tone of my voice, which is missing when you only read some words. (I can easily say, “You asshole,” to convey a myriad of different emotions including respect and warmth.) Or maybe you were not talking about my part in this conversation? :ponder:

33

Let me chip in.

We are concerned about Tommy. Some of us who have been around the block more times than you care to know, might be a little concerned about him, preferring him to do something else with his heart and his money.

There are times you set yourself up for something not good, and Tommy in a way already admitted that much.

34

Whereas we have known the guy 6 years. We, if you can believe it, actually care about his situation, though it may seem like cruelty. If I didn’t care, believe me, I would say nothing.
Analogy: You order a million swans, one by one. Every one which arrives is white. So you start to think all swans must be white. Maybe tommy has ordered a swan and it will turn out to be black. If he has, super. If he hasn’t, at least someone has said to him, “You do realise almost all swans are white?”

Tough love is still love.[/quote]

Generally when I care about people and want to help them I speak to them frankly and with some respect… How are the results going from the way you’re doing it in this thread?[/quote]

Tell me which of my sentences you feel are disrespectful, bearing in mind you have admittedly little conception of the dynamic which exists between tommy and others, or the tone of my voice, which is missing when you only read some words. (I can easily say, “You asshole,” to convey a myriad of different emotions including respect and warmth.) Or maybe you were not talking about my part in this conversation? :ponder:[/quote]

I types a response and lost it, perhaps I’ll retype it later but I need to get in for a shower for work.

35

Yes and no. Define rational though. The first person who decided to catch an animal and domesticate it rather than hunt and eat it must have seemed irrational. Probably just about any scientist or inventor in history seemed crazy to some extent. Any entrepreneur also. Logically, yes, in a sense, it’s absolutely crazy to get involved in long distance relationships. Taken one step further, it’s also crazy to get involved in any close relationship. After all, if we never get close to anyone, we can never get hurt, right? I mean, why get up in the morning? You could get hit by a bus. That only looks at the downside, and not the upside. There’s no progress without risk. It’s fundamentally part of our biology, and at some level, women as much as they might complain about the idiocy that men engage in, also appreciate a certain amount of risk taking behaviour (which might otherwise be known as ambition, courage, etc.) in their men.

Of course, that’s not to say that people shouldn’t consider the decisions they’re making. Some are definitely riskier than others, and perhaps unnecessarily so.

As for Tommy, it’s a fine line to tread and he seems to be as aware as he probably can be and he is willing to talk about it with others, so he’s probably been aware of the concerns brought up here for a long time before others brought them up. It’s still good that people bring them up though.

36

[quote=“tommy525”]WEll if you must know, this is a first for me. And I had to think long and hard if I wanted to do this. Since you two seem so interested in this particular situation, i feel it only fair to give you more details.

thats enough justification for me.[/quote]

Well, that’s all pretty remarkable.
One question only, T, if I may.

How are you going to feel if you wake up one day and she tells you to take a hike, say after she’s graduated from school and no longer needs your $ assistance??

NOT SAYING she will, and I’m sure you’ve already (at least intellectually) considered this possible outcome.

Do you anticipate that you’d be crushed and feel like the word ended and, what’s worse, she played you like a sitdown arcade Galalga machine?

Or do you expect you’ll be able to look at it philosophically and say, you know “Well, that’s a kick in the ass, but what the hell, that’s just how that one went.”?

I mean, this ain’t exactly your first fuckin canoe trip, one hopes there’s a little tarnish on your Zippo. :idunno:

37

Whereas we have known the guy 6 years. We, if you can believe it, actually care about his situation, though it may seem like cruelty. If I didn’t care, believe me, I would say nothing.
Analogy: You order a million swans, one by one. Every one which arrives is white. So you start to think all swans must be white. Maybe tommy has ordered a swan and it will turn out to be black. If he has, super. If he hasn’t, at least someone has said to him, “You do realise almost all swans are white?”

Tough love is still love.[/quote]

Generally when I care about people and want to help them I speak to them frankly and with some respect… How are the results going from the way you’re doing it in this thread?[/quote]

Tell me which of my sentences you feel are disrespectful, bearing in mind you have admittedly little conception of the dynamic which exists between tommy and others, or the tone of my voice, which is missing when you only read some words. (I can easily say, “You asshole,” to convey a myriad of different emotions including respect and warmth.) Or maybe you were not talking about my part in this conversation? :ponder:[/quote]

First, I stated I haven’t been here that long, it’s true only 2 years, but I never said I have little conception of the dynamic that exists between the posters on this site. It’s not exactly difficult to figure out, it’s not like you guys are a riddle wrapped in a mystery folded inside a goddamned enigmatic omelette.

I decided instead of getting into nit picking or an argument, I’d repost this:

[quote=“tommy525”] To me shes worth the bet.

And like I said, even if it doesnt work out later on, its still fine. I feel good to help someone who i adore.

thats enough justification for me.[/quote]

Sounds like he’s aware of, and fine with, the possible outcomes. You guys have said your piece to him, I don’t see why the pile on. Tommy strikes me as the type of guy who finds love a hell of a lot more important than money, this girl is worth the risk to him. If Tommy didn’t strike me as too damned nice to tell people to leave him the hell alone I wouldn’t bother.

38

[quote=“the chief”][quote=“tommy525”]WEll if you must know, this is a first for me. And I had to think long and hard if I wanted to do this. Since you two seem so interested in this particular situation, i feel it only fair to give you more details.

thats enough justification for me.[/quote]

Well, that’s all pretty remarkable.
One question only, T, if I may.

How are you going to feel if you wake up one day and she tells you to take a hike, say after she’s graduated from school and no longer needs your $ assistance??

NOT SAYING she will, and I’m sure you’ve already (at least intellectually) considered this possible outcome.

Do you anticipate that you’d be crushed and feel like the word ended and, what’s worse, she played you like a sitdown arcade Galalga machine?

Or do you expect you’ll be able to look at it philosophically and say, you know “Well, that’s a kick in the ass, but what the hell, that’s just how that one went.”?

I mean, this ain’t exactly your first fuckin canoe trip, one hopes there’s a little tarnish on your Zippo. :idunno:[/quote]

it will be ok, its all par for the course. I will survive and “love” again (and pay out more money) :smiley: I dont believe in the destination anymore, more so the journey. Some ladies may only be a sojourn while others are an odyssey.

LIke i no longer am so concerned about “love” , much more so about the ability of her to play the role well. Great acting is ok with me. So long as my ride is fun.

To me a woman is a massive adventure. An opening into the unknown, possibly an abyss. Dang costly they all have been for the time, money, effort and anguish, but what is life if not another trek into the molasse of interpersonal relationship of the male/female kind.

39

[quote=“skoster”] It’s not exactly difficult to figure out, it’s not like you guys are a riddle wrapped in a mystery folded inside a goddamned enigmatic omelette.
I don’t see why the pile on. [/quote]
Firstly, a variation on a Lisa Simpson quote is always worth a read. :sunglasses: Unless she was quoting someone else when she described Nelson that time. :ponder:

As to the ‘pile on.’ TWO posters do not constitute a pile on do they? And as for my part… Lemme see. I’ll quote some of my parts for you.

You can imagine what you like about the rest of it. For me, Jay and Gloria (the picture I quoted) are a beautiful couple and I admire the dynamic in the relationship. The rest you can view as sly digs or attacks or you can see them as expressions of my own fears and limitations as a human. Which I mentioned directly in my posts. I have my faults and weaknesses based on experience and thus I am cautious and worried because I could not deal with that situation.
Perhaps, and I cannot speak for Mr He, he has some experience of such situations and has seen how they end. I dunno, so I can’t speak for him. But whatever this is, it isn’t two idiots picking on someone for shits and giggles. Not in the slightest. But thanks for your concern for Tommy. I guess a lot of us have got his back, however it manifests itself. Peace.

40

Thanks guys , i appreciate your concerns for my uh, unconventional quest for “love”. I will keep you guys posted as the journey unfolds.

I did take a moments pause when in the hotel room , after arriving from 18 hours of flying. Gave her a telephone call from the room telephone to her work, to announce my arrival at the hotel and the room number. She was very calm actually, to my mild surprise. It was like as if I had just arrived home from work on a typical day. I had expected at least some sort of elation and exuberance in her voice? I mean we are finally only hours away from meeting up, after five years of chatting on line? I wouldve been more turned on then she sounded? I wouldve said something like "oh, so amazing you are actually here, I cant wait to see you… " Instead of , ok, I will meet you after work, at about six pm. Matter of fact, without that sense of occasion. Could it be guys are actually MORE romantic then women?

I was a bit (lot) more excited then she sounded I must say.

I had a few hours to kill while waiting for her to get off work and meet me in my room. I thought that would be more appropriate then for me to wait in the lobby, considering how unpredictable Jakarta traffic is and I wanted a private “first moment” together.

Went down to possibly take a dip in the (very nice) hotel pool, but it was just a wee bit too chilly in march to be comfortable. I ended up just sort of chillin in the room. A knock on the door and the male room service attendant asked if he can help me get my things sorted. A nice gesture, for which I delined. He then proceeded to make me a cup of tea, which i thought was quite the room service for a three star hotel?

He then started to give me a quick neck massage. And i thought that certainly is not your average hotel service in the USA? I declined further massaging as it occurred to me that he may be gay.

I took a shower and it did dawn on me the hilarity/seriousness/impossibility of my being here in Jakarta meeting a lady who is supposed to become my wife?

It was all quite odd, exciting and yet odd.

Will i like her personality? Will i like her physically? Will she be pleasing to my eyes in person?

Will i decide after meeting her that it was all a horrible mis-understanding? Will I like her tits?

So many questions and the hour comes soon when the adventure (or horror story) shall reveal another chapter …

The knock on the door came all too soon. And there she was !! My heart skipped a beat and (to be continued)