Trying to understand what's important to Taiwanese men

ABT woman here, mid-20s, have tried dating a number of natives in the past. Virtually of them were failed experiments. Some are too shy and sexually conservative for me, or they take on that “big brotherly” attitude that I know is well-intentioned but I just don’t care for, and others I just find immature and unable to connect with me on a meaningful level.

The only one I got particularly hung up on was a really charming guy who, at the time we met, had just had a falling out with his girlfriend of many years after catching her cheating on him…twice. It was the first time sparks really flew between me and a Taiwanese guy. I thought it had potential, but also knew that I could only realistically be a rebound for him at least in some regard, so I figured I would give him some time and maybe we could pick things up later.

Well, to my surprise, he forgave her, and they got back together. He told me that during the forgiveness process he went behind her back several times to sleep with other women after the incident, probably as a way of having his revenge. He stopped after a while, I guess after having had the chance to rebuild his ego, but now that I’m back in the country, he wants to pick up where we left off.

I’m obviously not interested in being somebody’s 小三. I just can’t really understand what’s going on. In my mind this relationship would be irretrievable. If I found myself in a similar situation, I’d just cut my losses and find someone new that I didn’t have such bitter experiences with. So I can’t figure out why he would choose to stay in an otherwise ruined relationship. Is it the fact that they’ve spent almost six years together now? That she’s thin and conventionally attractive? Or is it what my native family members are telling me – that it’s because she comes from a wealthy family, and can offer him fun times and financial security? “It’s all about the money,” my mother says.

My Chinese probably isn’t good enough. I probably just can’t analyze Taiwanese men accurately, the way I can American men. I think it’s also hard for me to accept that the one person here I really felt a little fire with could really be this superficial. So I thought it’d be worth asking for a few more opinions, from people who hopefully have a little more experience than me.

tl;dr: Do Taiwanese men tend to be shallow? Do they care mainly about money and looks? Or have I just come across a garden variety asshole, and can’t see it because I don’t know what a Taiwanese garden variety asshole looks like? What’s really important to them? What matters when they’re looking for a girlfriend?

Thanks a lot for reading if you read the whole thing. I know it sounds really stupid. I just have a burning desire to figure this out.

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this guy you’re talking about sounds far from being “shy” and “sexually conservative”
Money/Status does play a role in finding relationships. But if this guy is sticking around just for her money, and this girl won’t stop cheating/treating him like dirt, I don’t see why they shouldn’t be together; they’re a perfect match!

Your one personal experience shouldn’t be an over generalization of Taiwanese men. However, in Taiwan, there’s a saying"dragons match with dragons, phoenixes match with phoenixes." If there’s too much difference between you and Taiwanese men, maybe go for men with more similar upbringing.

Listen to your mother!

Yes. :sunglasses:

You’re apparently still in the throes of infatuation. Don’t worry, you’ll get over it…eventually.

Similar things have been said on this forum about Taiwanese women if you replace “big brotherly” with “small sisterly”. It’s all a mix of media and societal influences and family and public expectations. Go to Scandinavian countries and things will be all different again.

People act the way they do for different reasons. Any of these could be true: he could find her incredibly attractive, he could be driven by money, he could be genuinely in love, it could be a pride issue… Whatever the reason, if this is his choice, he is not the right guy for you. But don’t worry, there are another 11 million men on this island.

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Exactly, there could be a multitude of reasons just completely out of your control. Or maybe it just boils down to something as simple as he likes her ass better. Men can be simple like that so I wouldn’t put more thoughts into it.

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I think going for good looks and money in Asia isn’t looked at as shallow vs the West, its looked at as a winning combination.

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too true, although I know for a fact that my ass wins out. Oh well!

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I guess I should clarify that prioritizing looks and money when looking for a relationship is shallow just in my opinion.

Then you should well if you stay patient. Usually the right person comes around when you aren’t looking for it. I can’t remember the last time I turned my head to do a double take on a girls ass here. It’s rare.

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Youre more likely to find people who share your opinion in the West vs with TW Locals. Not saying its not possible though, its just a cultural difference…will just require more time and effort

  1. Generalising from a western perspective, yes.
  2. Everyone cares about looks. Money is a bigger here thing sure.
  3. Garden variety assholes are more likely to occur.
  4. What’s important to them is themselves.
  5. All of the above.
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this is pretty helpful actually. thanks. obviously everyone all over the world cares about looks to some extent but the money thing seems weirdly old-fashioned to me. I guess because I personally have never dated any Americans who care about that. must be Taiwan’s tanking economy…

You got a lot to learn about Monkey Island, Ace…

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The money kind of signifies a good ‘background’, which is a value that is taught to kids by their parents from a young age.

Perhaps revisit the shy and conservative crowd, and give them a bit of time to develop.

Honestly @hanna149 men are a bit shallow in the looks department. As a philosopher once said “money cash hoes, all a nigga knows” We are visual creatures, not exactly our fault, something to do with the why our brains are wired. It’s no secret, there’s a reason there’s a whole industry of make up, push up bras etc made for women. But I don’t think you sound like one of those women who don’t make an effort and let themselves go and ask why no good men are out there. But physical attraction only goes so far as you experienced so far.

Each guys personality is different, but guys in Taiwan might place things above others compared to other countries. Family opinions may play a big role here and as well as family status. It wasn’t rare when I was younger sitting at weddings with business execs and tycoons to judge other families. It’s also men here probably like different things in terms of hobbies and shows etc.

Although I don’t see too much wrong with finding a partner with social economic stability and comes from a wealthy family. People get married for more stupid things. As another philosopher once said “it’s hard out here for a pimp” statistically, men are lucky to make over 60k here. Nothing wrong with trying to find some economic stability with a partner in my eyes. How much do you have to love someone to say take on their student loan debt of a quarter million with compound interest? Money matters, you need it to survive. It’s a reality.

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Oh sure, none of this is news to me. It would certainly be nice to marry somebody who made a lot of money and never have to worry about that for the rest of my life. I guess in the end I’m just an old-fashioned romantic who’d like to marry for love primarily and figure out the rest as we go.

would also be nice Anna Nicole Smith it and marry some geezer, then when he kicks it take that wad of cash and marry somebody I love…

Indeed Andrew 0409. Money, or potential future income, is always going to be an important factor in any relationship. People may deny it, or even subconsciously not accept it, but it is part of their decision making process when choosing a partner.

I have no idea why some people consider this an issue. It’s the way it’s always been. There is a lot of research that shows that attractive men born poor fail to move up in society. Attractive women born poor are much more likely to.

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I shall wait for you Tinder! :smile:

That’s actually a pretty modern idea. The old-fashioned thing to do is marry for money.

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Yah, give these guys a fighting chance. I know a few guys that are bit on the 宅男 side, but they’re good guys at heart, just need to be patient and figure out a way to crack that barrier.

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