Who is raising your child?

Taiwan Parenting
#1

For parents of young child/ren, who is looking after your child/children?

  • Myself or my spouse/partner 24/7
  • A relative during work days, but us after work/weekends
  • A nanny during work days, but us after work/weekends
  • Day care/school/etc during the day, but us after work/weekends
  • A relative/nanny during the week, but us on weekends only
  • Other, please explain

0 voters

My wife and I are saving up for a house, so we decided for her to return to work 9 weeks after our daughter was born rather than stay home with her. Fortunately, we found a woman who seems to be a good nanny (my wife’s coworker’s mother), so I drop the baby off before work and pick her up after.

While it seems to be working just fine, I feel pretty crappy about the deal. After all, the kid (now 3 months old) is with the nanny at least 10 hours a day – that is, almost half of her life is being spent in the care of a total stranger rather than her parents. If the early years are the formative years, then some lady I don’t really know is forming my child. Fortunately, my boss theoretically allows us to work out of the home, though I haven’t yet availed myself of the opportunity, but one of these days I intend to start doing so in order to spend more time with my child, even if it means mostly changing diapers and feeding bottles at this point.

How about you (if you have an infant or small child)? Is someone else raising your child?

#2

Similar to you Mother Theresa in my wife takes our daughter to the Nanny’s house in the morning and I get her on the way home. Also 10 hours too. I don’t think it’s ideal, but when she can walk, we plan on taking her with me to work in the afternoons to evenings (my two bosses are her godmothers so they’ll be able to look after her when I’m in the classroom) thus cutting the nanny down to about 4 hours a day and me being able to spend more time with her.

#3

At the moment both my partner and I but when I go back to work, he will look after our son, making him one of the very few (I assume) househusbands in Taiwan. We too planned to get a nanny for a few hours a day as we work opposite hours anyway so can do a lot of the care ourselves but as she showed up late to babysit my friends child stinking of alcohol, we decided against her. Our child has also been very sick, he is fine now except being nocturnal, so I guess we are very protective of him as a result.

#4

We just worked our schedules out so that one of us would be home…

Bit of juggling and lost income potential for sure, but to this day I don’t regret it…Can’t put a price tag on quality time with your kids. Most of my friends are doing it though, and even though it seems fine on the surface, there’s a certain bond at the most core level that just isn’t reached…Sorry, wish I could describe this better but I think you know what I mean. Also, none of these kids can converse at a native speaking level in English. This might be something you want to think about if you plan to do this for any length of time…

Now my daughter is ten, and we’ve settled into a pretty good routine. Mom takes her in the morning, and I’m there to pick her up in the afternoon. She comes to the cram school with us (our place) and takes care of her homework while we’re teaching. I’ve been a crossing guard at her school for many years, and it’s always heartwarming to get my daily hug while decked out in the volunteer garb. She is truly a Daddy’s girl.

On the other hand, I’m sure we could have stashed away many more bluebacks had we gone the nanny route…Have to do what’s right for you, but I wouldn’t have missed the feedings, dirty diapers, projectile vomiting, scares, laughs and hugs for anything…

#5

Mother Theresa,

The first 2 years the baby is just diapers and milk. Maybe for your first kid you want to give it a try for the sake of experience. But if you can afford it, better off letting someone else take care of that stuff, even better if you can hire a live-in during that phase.

I think being a good parent is not about being hands on for regular feeding and diapers.

The bond between a parent and a child is a lot stronger than you think.

But that’s just my opinion.

#6

[quote=“ac_dropout”]Mother Theresa,

The first 2 years the baby is just diapers and milk. Maybe for your first kid you want to give it a try for the sake of experience. But if you can afford it, better off letting someone else take care of that stuff, even better if you can hire a live-in during that phase.

I think being a good parent is not about being hands on for regular feeding and diapers.

The bond between a parent and a child is a lot stronger than you think.

But that’s just my opinion.[/quote]

I definitely pitch in and do at least my share, especially becasue my wife is so exhausted from breast feeding and tells me she only continues doing that because of my help. So I do everything I can, because I don’t want our baby drinking formula. And, as other parents know, even diaper changes can be a lot of fun, as she coos and smiles, so happy that you’re making her comfortable. But, that 10 hour gap during the day is a long one.

As for the live in nanny, I used to tell my wife we’d get a young filipina girl to live with us ( :wink: ) but she didn’t think that was such a good idea ( :no-no: ) so we’ve got an old lady we drop our daughter off with during the day instead ( :idunno: ).

#7

Many parents send their kids to live with the grandparents. The kids then visit their parents at the weekend. It must be nigh-on impossible to have a close relationship in that situation. “So, how was your week?”

#8

[quote=“ac_dropout”] Mother Theresa,

The first 2 years the baby is just diapers and milk. Maybe for your first kid you want to give it a try for the sake of experience. But if you can afford it, better off letting someone else take care of that stuff, even better if you can hire a live-in during that phase.

I think being a good parent is not about being hands on for regular feeding and diapers.

The bond between a parent and a child is a lot stronger than you think.

But that’s just my opinion.[/quote]

I would disagree on that… the time spent with the kid in the first couple of years is most important for the bonding

#9

A friend of mine in Germany grew up spending her weekdays with grandparents and different aunts and uncles because her parents had to make a scratch for a living. She is as close to her parents as could be.

I also have lots of friends who grew up in Eastern Germany, were put into day-care at an early age (because it was normal for mothers to work), love their parents dearly until today and are much more relaxed about being working mums themselves and finding a day-care solution for their own kids.

My parents both worked when I was a kid, and we went to kindergarten and had different au-pair girls looking after us during the day. I firmly believe that if a mother is happier working than giving up her job to be a 24/7 Mom, the kids are better off, too, if the mother works, maybe part-time or on a more flexible schedule, so that she can spend some quality time with the kids. My mum changed to night-shifts later and would do 10 nights a month where she’d come home in the mornings, go to sleep while we were at school and would be up by the time we came home from school.

Iris

#10

My wife works with a Taiwanese woman who didn’t just drop off her kid during the week with nanny/granny, but did so for the first 3 years of her child’s life: “Here’s my baby, I’ll be back when it’s toilet trained and ready for school. Don’t forget to teach her my name.”

My wife also has a good friend who is one of 10 children (also Taiwanese). By the time they got to the 10th child, apparently the parents were getting tired of it all, and they knew of another couple in town that wanted a child, so they turned their child over to them to raise on the other side of town, and the siblings sometimes run into the abandoned child when out shopping, or whatever. Both are perverse cases of child abuse in my opinion.

On the other hand, last week I met a mother from Iceland. She told me in Iceland the mother and father each get 3 months off from work with 80% pay after their child is born, then one or the other can take another 3 months at 80% pay. That, to me, is how it should be. Sure it’s tough on employers, but it makes for a better society.

#11

[quote]On the other hand, last week I met a mother from Iceland. She told me in Iceland the mother and father each get 3 months off from work with 80% pay after their child is born, then one or the other can take another 3 months at 80% pay. That, to me, is how it should be. Sure it’s tough on employers, but it makes for a better society.
[/quote]lol, if that were the case l’d be in the cot with the missus as you read.

#12

And in my opinion that sounds a bit judgemental. Are the kids being starved/abused/neglected in their foster homes? Then it might be child abuse. It sounds unnatural to me too, but it just might be better for the child to be with someone who wants/loves them - if you know you’re going to be a lousy parent you probably shouldn’t have had the kid in the first place, but having done so you might think it’s a better option then making both of you miserable. In some cases, making the child STAY with the parents would constitute far worse child abuse.

Everyone’s situation is different, and most parents try and do what they think is best for their children. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate people passing judgment on the way you raise yours without understanding your full situation. I’m taking the ‘24/7’ route for the first few years, but I don’t think it’s the only way, and indeed, not even an option for some families.

I don’t mean to sound harsh - one of my pet peeves with parenting is that everyone thinks they’re entitled to tell you what to do, even if they’ve never had kids. You’ll likely find out, if you haven’t already :slight_smile:

#13

Good points, Daasgrrl. If one turns over the care of ones child to another for several years because one doesn’t want to change diapers or deal with crying or wants to hit the bars or department stores unencumbered by a toddler then one is being selfish; if one has a serious addiction problem or abusive partner I guess it might make sense. I have more trouble empathizing with a family that has 10 kids and gives away the last one. She probably should have tied her tubes a few years prior. But you’re right, I don’t know all the facts.

#14

Kids grow up so fast. It’s a cliche I know but it’s true. Working mums and dads inevitably miss out on stuff. At the same time full-time homemaking mums or dads miss out on their own lives. I haven’t been to the cinema in FOUR YEARS!! Waaah Sigh! It’s no coincidence that my son is four years old. :laughing:
Grandparents make great babysitters when you want to have a social life, but if they live half way across the country it’s not that convenient.

Kids of working parents turn out fine in most cases, certainly no worse than kids raised by hand (Great Expectations reference there for ya). However, when a parent is away for most of the child’s upbringing they are bound to miss out on the good stuff. Being home in time to tuck them in and be ‘that bedtime story guy’ is a poor substitute for genuine quality time (hate that phrase - it’ll have to do for now) but better than nothing I spose.

#15

mt, i did lots of research about money and the family budget after baby. There are actually a lot of helpful books out there for people who want to live off a single income or work from home.

One thing that is constantly pointed out is that very often that the second income gets sucked away by childcare, transportation, special clothing, restaurants & convienence foods, starbucks, escape entertainment, etc.

Another is that you need to have your goals clearly sorted out. find out exactly what you want and work towards that. It takes discipline not to get distracted along the way.

The biggy: A penny saved is a penny earned. Find out where your disposable income is going. buy groceries on sale, wait for movies to become old before renting them, avoid convenience stores, get a bike, by second-hand, learn how to fix things when they are broken, learn to cook from scratch.

From personal experience i’ve found that no matter how great the job, it always involved a fair amount of unhealthy stress. i haven’t figured out a way not to bring that back home when i’m off work. There is no way for a family member to keep this stress to themselves. It spreads like wall fungus. also, when i get home from work i need decompression time. for me it’s usually an hour. add this on to the 10 hours and the day is pretty much gone.

everyone’s situation is different, but if you and your spouse feel uncomfortable with sending baby to a nanny, there are alternatives out there.

#16

Go by yourself, mate! No, I know, you’d rather be sleeping :slight_smile:

Ah, this is so true - it’s impossible to ‘have it all’. The thing that annoys me most is not missing out on my life - I chose that route after all - it’s the implicit assumption that because I’m a full-time mum I NEVER HAD A LIFE to begin with. I used to have a life, dammit! Now I just post on Forumosa :smiley:

#17

Mother Theresa,

I guess it also depends on if your wife wants to become a 24/7 house wife for the next couple of years. I know a few women that hated being at home all the time with their kids. It wasn’t that they wanted to go shopping and spend time in the spa. It was that they missed adult interactions and conversations. If it is economically feasible, let her try it out see if she likes it. It’s her decision in the end.

Or you could become Mr. Mom and see if you like it. :smiley:

There is really no right answer. In ten years they are going to grow up and call you “stupid and old” then you be hitting yourself over the head going, “I can’t believe I even contemplated your welfare on forumosa a decade ago.” :smiley:

As for the live in. I usually go by language, if language at home is English the live in should be fluent in English. If the language is Chinese, then the live in has to be fluent in Chinese. No point in paying someone to misunderstand you. Also if your wife is worried about infidelity, then make sure they are 40-50 years old.

#18

Yes, but what if he’s into older women?

#19

[quote="daasgrrlit’s the implicit assumption that because I’m a full-time mum I never HAD A LIFE to begin with. I used to have a life, dammit! Now I just post on Forumosa :smiley:[/quote]

Couldn’t have said that better. We gave up my income, the larger one, so that I could stay home with our son. It doesn’t pay well, but it is very demanding and the most rewarding job I’ve ever had in my life. We made this choice because I’m not at ease leaving our son with someone else (I’ve known of too many cases of abuse) and because even if we chose to both keep working, half my income would have gone for child care anyway.

Sometimes i think of the money I could have made in the last year and a half, but then I remember that that money wouldn’t buy even one single smile from my little Buddy.

However, when people find out you put your professional life on hold to play peakaboo and change nappies, it’s like they think your IQ dropped about 50 points. That makes me crazy. To me, that’s the real hard part.

#20

My wife and I work from home together so perhaps our situation is unique.

My wife and I together take care of our child most all of the time, but my wife’s mother comes over sometimes to give us a break and act as a babysitter/nanny for few hours and sometimes a whole day if we need it.