Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of "The Red-Headed League", Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson," he said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Sleepily, Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered this a moment. "Astronomically," he said, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
Taking Holmes's silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, "Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. "So, Holmes, what does it tell you?"
Holmes shook his head in disgust. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall. He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe slips open
a tad and he can't help but notice she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?" He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
That was me!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler, Jesus."