How NOT To impress the Taiwanese

Taiwan Living in Taiwan
41

All schools are out by 3pm.

Taiwanese schools do a great job of promoting logic and reasoning throughout their entire curriculum. The teachers as well as administrators realize that memorizing does not promote thinking.

Be sure that your children participate in the many educationally benefiting school parades and activities. Marching is cool.

Taiwnese schools are great for teaching discipline. They do it through love and logic and children become self motivated to monitor their own actions. You will never see or hear of a teacher/administator hitting a child.

If they are interested in sports, squash that kind of thinking immediately. The last thing you want to do is have a child that exercises.

If you see your children playing outside, punish them immediately. They should be either working on their schoolwork or watching a Korean teen drama.

Never let your children wear jeans and a tshirt to school. Your children should wear shorts (bright yellow - 2 sizes too small) , dress shirt (white - 1 size too big), a bow tie (matches shorts), and a suit jacket (light blue - 3 sizes too big) all made of polyester with black socks and the oldest and ugliest pair of white sneakers you can find.

Never, ever, under any circumstance allow your children of junior high and high school age to use deoderant. This is especially true in the warmer months.

Even if your children have the opportunity to go to one of the international schools (Taipei American School, Kaohsiung American School, British School), do not send them. Those schools are filled only with kids whose parents are both “white.” Both teachers and students sit around all day and smoke pot. All the girls that go there are pregnant and everyone carries a weapon of some sort. Everyone there is a racist and will constitantly poke fun of your children if they are mixed.

The Taiwanese love people who are different and if your children are mixed, thats a plus! They will welcome them with open arms and insure that they are treated like any other child that attends public school in Taiwan.

42

Now that we’re talking about children… Here are a few things you should do when you see a Chinese baby:

  • Say it’s cute but ask why its head has such a weird shape. Roll your eyes when the mother says that all the Chinese babies have heads like that.
  • Say the baby is either too fat or too skinny.
  • If the baby is asleep, try to speak really loud or even tickle it; when the baby opens its eyes, say: ‘Oh, s/he’s awake!!’ and take it quickly out of the stroller.
  • Generally you are then expected to walk away with the baby to share your catch with fellow foreigners. Try to get rid of the parents, they’re just annoying control freaks anyway.
  • Make sure everyone around you gets to touch the baby, never mind if the baby is screaming.

Oh, there must be more… :stuck_out_tongue:

43

Those little hand towels at restaurants. Correctly used by grabbing one end of it in your fist and slamming it down on your thigh as hard as possible so that the air bubble bursts and emits a loud bang that reverberates around the room. Then yell: “I’ve been shot!” This habit will ingratiate you with your possible in-laws and make you very popular if you do this on a airplane.

The Taiwanese are exceedingly proud of their cultural exports. If you meet a friendly commoner in his local habitat as you are bringing out your weekly trash, correctly comment that the tune the truck is playing has got to be one of the Top 5 national anthems you have ever heard.

44

I thought that song sounded familiar…

45

These replies cracked me up because they are all true. Whoever is in charge of this thread has got to put all the replies together to form a little book. Then get some photog (like Poagao) to shoot some photos of each of the “ways to impress” and then—have either the GIO or the Taipei City Culture Bureau publish it. I bet a smooth talking foreigner could b.s. one of those two agencies into doing it.

And it would be an important contribution to the spread of Taiwanese culture as well as providing a valuable resource for esteemed foreign visitors.

No fooling, it would be a great project. Forumosa.com should get into the publishing business and this would be a grand first project.

Take care,
Brian

46

Pick out an attractive umbrella in the market-place and give it to your girlfriend as a present on a rainy day. Try to figure out why she doesn’t want to see you anymore …

That will be a real investigation into “cultural differences” …

47

Make sure to grow one (or both) of your pinky finger finger nails extra long. It makes a handy tool for picking your ears, nose, and teeth.

You can belch, fart, and spit as much as you want … it’s not considered rude. But when you’re using a toothpick, make sure to put your hand over your mouth … that would just be disgusting!

48

Go for dinner with your bosses or someone from Taiwan.
Have them order dinner for you, because you want to enjoy authentic Chinese food. Then with a big smile, naw on the following dishes while trying not to gag.

Cho Do Fu,
Boiled sea cucumber,
Chicken Ball soup (Testiclas),
You choose the animal intestines,
Deep fried fat and bone in oil,
Fish with the head still on.Better yet only eating the head.
Chiken Feet

Feel free to add to this list

Ski

49

[quote=“hsiadogah”][quote=“axiom”]
You know, this is ACTUALLY a sign of appreciating the food in Taiwan[/quote]No it isn’t, it’s just a habit, and an excuse for that habit. Maybe, just maybe, some older people have held onto this custom from the Japanese era. Hmm. Has this been discussed in another thread? We’re being far too serious about this, and this was supposed to be a fun thread…[/quote]

What’s the difference between a custom and a habit…they’re both learned behavior. A custom is a habit practiced by a large group of people. But, you’re right, this is supposed to be a fun thread.

50

Context is ailing relative discussion.

Say “So, I guess its not long then”

I did this experiment yesterday unintentionally. It did not go well at all.

51

[quote=“ski”]Go for dinner with your bosses or someone from Taiwan.
Have them order dinner for you, because you want to enjoy authentic Chinese food. Then with a big smile, naw on the following dishes while trying not to gag.

Cho Do Fu,
Boiled sea cucumber,
Chicken Ball soup (Testiclas),
You choose the animal intestines,
Deep fried fat and bone in oil,
Fish with the head still on.Better yet only eating the head.
Chiken Feet

Feel free to add to this list

Ski[/quote]
Hmm…except for Cho Do Fu and Deep fried fat and bone in oil, I eat this stuff. I also like the big bags of pork rinds, great with hot sauce on 'em.
Must be a HillBilly thang.

52

Why bother trying to impress or otherwise a Taiwanese when they know the games they play are pirated, repeated, calculated, fabricated and perpetuated only to keep the birdcage filled with buzzards?

53

What exactly are you trying to say?

Are you saying that the Taiwanese can’t do anything creative? They can only copy others?

Ski

54

When you go to the hair salon be sure to take your breakfast noodles, with garlic soya sauce, and eat it while they are shampooing your hair.

55

-Do a blackgold deal, and then if the payoff doesn

56

You foreigners just don’t don’t understand Taiwanese culture.

57

Let’s make all the previous into a short-videomovie. Educational!?

58

If you’re standing on the MRT or in an elevator, and there’s some couple or small group of friends talking discretely and furtively looking your way, they are definitely talking about you. If it’s some cute xiaojies, they’re attracted to you and looking to ditch their Taiwanese boyfriends for someone with more sexual prowess. I mean, who isn’t attracted to white guys, no matter how stubbly or grubby or pot-bellied they are? Don’t be afraid to go up to them and say loudly in your pidgin Chinese, “我知道我的鼻子很大. 你猜哪裡也很大?”

Don’t be afraid to brag on Forumosa how often you “show up” Taiwanese people who assume you can’t speak Chinese. Whine about how provincial Taiwanese people are. And don’t be afraid to be hypocritical and complain or insult someone loudly in English, because people here don’t understand English anyway.

59

You foreigners just don’t don’t understand Taiwanese culture.[/quote]
It’s about f*cuking time. :slight_smile:

60

[quote=“ski”]Go for dinner with your bosses or someone from Taiwan.
Have them order dinner for you, because you want to enjoy authentic Chinese food. Then with a big smile, naw on the following dishes while trying not to gag.

Cho Do Fu,
Boiled sea cucumber,
Chicken Ball soup (Testiclas),
You choose the animal intestines,
Deep fried fat and bone in oil,
Fish with the head still on.Better yet only eating the head.
Chiken Feet

Feel free to add to this list

Ski[/quote]
Any dish with more fish bones, shards of shells, shrimp legs, splinters of chicken bone, scales, fins, globules of fat, chunks of gristle, strips of skin, and scary-looking yet unidentifiable animal parts than actual food.