Cosmetic procedures used to be such a taboo subjectâŠ
Now you can freely talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
My wife tripped and fell while carrying a pile of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfoldâŠ
Two mates, Seamus and Paddy, are limping out of Dublin zoo, all covered in deep scratches, bloody and bruised.
Paddy turns to his friend, and he says âYâknow Seamus, I think thatâs the last time I try loin dancinââ.
Yes, Chris Hemsworth is Australian.
This works better verbally, but here goesâŠ
çșçéșŒćé ć«ććé ?
ć çșććąè§!
Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as yâall Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
Weâll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven
Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.
The priest was called first, and St Peter said, âFor your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity.â
Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, âFor your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage.â
The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, âWhy does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?â
St Peter explained, âYou see - during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half were just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!â
Nice twist!
I relabeled all of the jars on my wifeâs spice rack.
Iâm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cuminâŠ
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?â
A variation of that, supposedly spoken by Sherlock Holmes, was once judged the funniest joke of all time.
Since Laughlabâs launch in September - it is designed to last the whole of the government-sponsored Science Year - more than 100,000 people from 70 countries have visited the laughlab.co.uk website, submitted a total of 10,000 jokes and rated them on a specially designed âlaughometerâ.
The provisional finding is that around 47,000 people thought a joke involving Sherlock Holmes, Dr Watson and a stolen tent is the funniest story so far.
âŠ
Worldâs funniest joke (so far), submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from BlackpoolSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: âWatson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.â
Watson: âI see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, itâs quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.â
Holmes: âWatson, you idiot, somebodyâs stolen our tent!â
What is a gardenerâs favorite crime show?
Lawn & Order
In the glory days of the British Empire, a young officer is sent to a flyblown outpost in the Middle East. Finding himself with very little to do, he asks his CO what one does, hypothetically, if one feels the urge for female company.
Well, says the CO, there arenât any women around here, but we do have a camel tied up out back.
The young lad is silently disgusted and resigns himself to months of celibacy. Unfortunately it all gets too much eventually, and he sneaks out back and finds that there is indeed a camel tied up there.
The camel is having none of it, and in the morning he goes back to his CO and asks him, hypothetically, what one should actually do with the camel to keep it calm while getting on with the business at hand?
Well, says the CO, if you just untie it and mount up, it knows its own way into town, and the brothel is on the main street on the left.
Thatâs a good one. I added something to create a bit more emphasis:
Itâs a British joke. A gentleman doesnât discuss what he may or may not want to do with camels. 
1943, Soviet Union. A 90 year-old Russian man crosses paths with an army officer.
âSon, is the war still going?â
âIâm afraid it is, sir.â
The old man shakes his head and clenches his fist.
ââŠthat damn Napoleon!â