Joke of the Day 2021

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory.

His wife asks him “So what happened?”

The husband explains “I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself ‘what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?’”

The wife is clearly blindsided by this confession and doesn’t know what to say next. Eventually she says to him “That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you’re all in one piece.”

The husband appreciates his wife’s response and says “I suppose you’re right.”

To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”

The husband takes a moment and says “Oh, she was fired too.”

4 Likes

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

“I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

“Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.”

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

“I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!”

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

“I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”

6 Likes

A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks “Have you ever been hugged before?”

“No” says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks “Have you ever been kissed before?”

“No” the man replies sorrowfully. So she kisses him and walks on.

The 3rd woman also walks up to the man and asks him “Have you ever been effed before?”

“No…” says the man now with a tear in his eye.

“Well thats what youre gonna be when the tide comes in”

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How much room does fungi need in order to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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Music Fact:

If you listen to Simply Red and Blue at the same time, you get Deep Purple.

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I was in the post office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said, “You can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait…”

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Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without aers.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, ‟What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny.‟ Johnny said, ”He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?‟

”Yes‟, the mother replied, ”we’re so thankful; the Doctor said he’ll have 20/20 vision.‟

”That’s great‟, said Little Johnny, ”cause he’d be fucked if he needed glasses!‟

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I used to work at a cat shelter, but I had to leave because they reduced meowers.

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I spent my entire life savings on pasta.

It was worth every penne.

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I asked the vicar, “Father, this is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

He replied, “It’s Norman.”

I said, “Sorry, Norman. This is a really nice church, what period is it from?”

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Went to the helium museum yesterday…

I can’t speak highly enough about the place.

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Followed up by a visit to the lead museum. What I saw weighed heavily on me.

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Happy Star Wars Day!!

My wife left me because of my addiction to touching pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

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Gandalf came into my shop and asked, “Do I get a better price for carrying this big stick?”

I said, “Sorry, we don’t give staff discounts.”

1 Like